Confessions of a tired soul

Why do we fall in love with idiots? What is that drives us? Why is there people that can just drive us crazy without doing anything? As always, I have no answers, but questions and confessions. There were a few guys that managed to drive me crazy in my life. There is one now that I know for a long time already, one and a half year. He can still mess with me even when I decide there is no hope and I should move on. What is it about him? He is nice and good looking, but there are men like that in the world. Is it because he flirts with me a bit? However, I never heard a compliment from him. We don't have much in common either. I am inserted in a world of books and cinema, in the pop culture bubble. He, he seems to just do sports and play videogames. What is it about him? Can anyone help me? I want to move on. I need to move on. I cannot be in this hopeless track just waiting for eternity. It has been too long already. Last week something more happen between us, but none of the two of us said anything about it afterwards. For a moment, I was so happy, in a way I don't remember ever being. Things are getting cold again and I am tired of this helter skelter of feelings. I need to enjoy life while I can and go just for the fun. I need to live in the limit and not to hold anything back. The hell with the idiot, let's try to make this queue move forward.

There is something rotten in Academia

I have been trying for the last three years to do a PhD. The status of it is that my stipend finished and the PhD no, so I got a job in the industry. Coming today to keep on trying to work to finish this chapter once and for all, I realized how much I hate this. How can it be that something that was suppose to be a dream of mine has gotten so bad? Is it my problem? No, certainly not. More and more I hear the horror stories from other people in the same position as me. And they are much worse. How can it be that so many intelligent and highly motivated people can end up with a miserable life to end a PhD? What is the problem? I know that the Institute I was (am still) working is extremely bad in dealing with students, or slaves as they see us. We are just replaceable batteries that they drain all the energy and will and afterwards replace for a new one. At least in the "real" world (corporate one), people have rights, while in academia we are far from that. How can you keep someone motivated if they know that they are replaced with the blink of an eye? Specially in a field that is so uncertain. We are trying to find the unknown and it is obvious that we might face surprising results that might make our work before useless. This is already hard to face it and then there is all the pressure. Somehow only the very arrogant people survive in this hostile environment and it helps making the place even more unbearable. How can we solve this problem? Is that a way? Is there enough nice people to do this? I am so glad I left. I will miss a lot of things, but coming to work on my thesis for the first time since I started working in the industry I realize how much I hate this place. The nostalgia of doing something one having done for so long is lacking completely. I will have to be so strong to be able to finish it and it will be a long and painful battle, I know.

Facing fears

And I keep on running away. One day I will have to face it. It is there, waiting for me in every corner. There is only one way to escape and that is not my will at the moment. How will I solve it? Will I face it once and for all? I need to change more and more...

It is inevitable, things will change. We will fall apart...

I recently took a different path in my life. It means that I don't see my friends every single day like I used to. I miss them a lot, but I can see how easy is to just fall apart and it makes me wonder. Is the constant contact that made us be friends? Is it the fact that we were in the same situation that grew a connection between us? What makes people be friends? Is it common interest? But then I always think of how different I am from my best friends. We share some interests, but personalitywise, we couldn't be more different somehow. However, I can see that in many things, we feel the same. Wouldn't that be the case for every normal human being or am I just being too naive? Is this enough? What is necessary to form a relationship, a friendship, a long or short connection between two people? Is is enough to keep it for a longer time? How much one have to nourish this connection to keep it alive? I once had no friends and nowadays I am facing the opposite problem. Somehow I managed to connect to a lot of different people and I love them all. However, how can I keep these connections in so little time? I was trying to think of how I would explain to my 12 years old self that I have too many friends. How could I even imagine that would be possible back then. And there are still so many nice people in this world that I haven't met yet. Should I stop? Am I suppose to keep things the way they are? I will try my best not to miss anyone, but it is inevitable.

dreaming away

Oh take me away and let me free
Let me float through the air
Where the weight makes no more sense
Let me go, don't hold me back
If you don't want, let me just be
Let me jump in the clouds
And swim through the corn fields
They cannot drive me crazy anymore
I am beyond that
Let me dance through nights and days
Feel one with the music
If it slows down, I slow down
If it takes a turn, I take a turn
Let me be part of the all and the nothing
Be of some use
Let me fly away and reach the stars
Find out what makes them shine
Find how I can do the same
So I will be there
Not shining for everyone to see
But only for the few that care to look
I want to reach where the dreams start...

I keep my shield

A new chapter began and I am still not so different than what I was before. I try going crazy in a way and behave how so many people do, but I get tired easily. Even if I have fun for a while, it is just not me. I am crazy, I like the crazyness, but I am also quiet and locked in my bubble. I am still afraid of intimacy. As if I showed my true self, I would lead people away. As if I let people in, they could cause so much more damage. I keep my shield for now. Maybe I am ready to start making it thinner and thinner until someday it vanishes completely...

Ahead...

I searched the horizon and now I see the shore approaching. Soon I will be there to start a new beginning. No need to be afraid. It can only get better. One just needs to fight one struggle at a time. I can do this. I am stronger than ever. I am the future, the future belongs to me.

The thing that never was

I, the coward. I write here as I don't have the courage to take it forward. I have been in this road for 1.5 years and done nothing. Ok, nothing is a bit too much. I have taken some risks, but very small ones that took me nowhere. I need to just not think and act, say something very direct. But, how can I change it now? I was never like that and if I change, I won't be me. Do I want someone to like me when I am not me? Or do I prefer to keep the endless road with no end. I should just take a turn and move in another direction. Maybe I will learn to take bigger risks. What should I be afraid of anything? I just don't want to have to pass through some awkward moments if things don't go my way. I don't know if I would be able to stand. What can I do? Aaaaahhhh. My only solution at the moment is to scream out loud and hopefully find another solution. I cannot keep walking on the same path forever...

one time only

My friend told me yesterday that she only remember one time that I was happy and relaxed. I know her for about 2 years already. Did I only have one happy moment? I fell very happy and relaxed when I am dancing. Maybe she does not realized that. Can it be that I am that unhappy? I know I am a depressed person for a long time, but I remember quite a feel moments that I was relaxed. Maybe it was just an illusion. I hope the next step I am taking in my life will help me relax a bit more.

We are all the same

I wonder every time I read a poem, a book, listen to a song,... Most of the time I feel like it describe exactly me, what I am feeling. I wonder if it is just a matter of interpretation. The fact that I am reading and only assimilating what I want. Or maybe, people are not as different as I think. Deep inside, we all are afraid of so many things. The same feelings are present in everyone's life. Some people fortunate are able to express as accurate as possible these feelings and it is when we all feel the same: It is about me! It is about anyone!

The endless road

And here I am again, writing my thoughts to clear my head. Here I am again with more questions and hardly any answer. Here I am again feeling the love that never came. I don't understand life, left alone love. There were some guys that I felt crazy about and could not explain exactly why. Was this love? The fact that I counted the minutes to see them. Is this how love is? If so, I must be brave and go after it with more courage. Don't be afraid of the falling. What would greatness be if there was bumps in the way? I tell myself I am open for this, but as always, for the things that really means something, I cannot go through. Am I afraid of being devastated? If so, why? I have so many disappointments all the time that I should be strong enough to handle another one. Ah, so many regrets I have. Why do I had to speak that much today? Why didn't I waited for him to speak? I think he was going to invite me for something, but I am not sure. Can I still fix this? Maybe not. It seems like I lost my place in line. I should keep on trying. Just keep on walking along a road that ends with no regrets.

When time stops

Today I fainted. Out of the blue, some seconds of my life were lost. In the middle of a fairly full subway, where the air was limited, I stood. Suddenly, I started sweating like crazy and my ears started popping. I was gone for a few seconds. I only remember waking up with people already holding my stuff and making me sit down. They were asking if I was ok. During those few seconds, I wasn't myself. I was lost, gone. My conscience was shut down and the me, as I know, had vanished. Is this how death feels like? Is this what happens? Do we just stop existing? When I was regaining conscience, it was like climbing from a hole. The sounds were faintly coming to a hearing loudness. The people were slowly appearing to be near. I was coming out of the hole, a conscience hole. Those few seconds were lost. I wasn't there to live them. My body was an empty shell. I was no longer. If death is like this, I don't understand why people fear so much. It is nothing, one feels nothing.

Set the house on fire

I might not succeed in finishing what I started. However, I am not so sure it is entirely my fault. Yes, I did not do the work that I had to do, but could I have avoided that given different circumstances? I guess I could. How do they let this happen over an over again is what I refuse to understand. There is certainly an intrinsic problem that few are open to deal with it. Can I help it change at least? Can I use my example as a bad one? More and more I am wishing for my bad just to make it bad for other people also. I can handle that, can they? One more in the statistic might help changing things. Is it fair that I was left out since the beginning? Maybe I should have spoken before, but I am was afraid, I had no proof. I had only my general feeling that I was the one doing it wrong as always. Anyway, there is not much I can do to save myself and my wish is to take as many with me as I can, only those who deserves of course. Let's set this house on fire and see who can escape unchanged...

Endless questions

What is it that drives us? What keeps us going? Is it enough to go for a long time? Why we don't give up? Why some actually do? What is the difference? Why even in some terrible situations there is still something to keep us going? What? I don't know. I have no answers. I am just an ignorant trying to understand how my mind works and failing constantly. So many questions with no answers. Is that what drives us? What drives me? So why am I tired of all these questions, but still keep on going. All I want is to adapt and forget who I am. I am ready to become just another person in the crowd.

Random torture

How to answer 'how are you' when you don't really want to talk about it? I cannot say 'I'm fine' as it is not true. However, if I say it is not fine, people will ask why and I don't want to explain. I don't want to get into details that still hurts me to think about it. But if I say 'I'm fine', the lie will consume me and will make me worse... Oh, the agony, it keeps insisting in being my best friend... What can I do to make it better when I got someone upset by mistake? Someone that didn't deserve at all? It was suppose to be an innocent joke, but I guess it wasn't. I said I am sorry, but it didn't feel like it sorted any effect. How can I make it better? My empathy, how to turn it down a bit? I hate hurting someone's feelings. Jokes are not meant to hurt, but they do sometimes...

The fall

Why do we put ourselves in these situations? How did I let it get so far? Now it is over. There is no certainty anymore, nor future or any plan. The end is near, I can feel it. Why now? Now that I am finally learning what I want to be. Now that I am finally starting to have a life. So many things will change and I am not sure I am prepared for them. The disappointment will be my new companion. It will be the way people will look at me, will remember me, will talk about me. I would prefer to have never given any expectations. The fall would be easier that way. And the high, if I had succeeded, would be even greater. I see the top of the abysm. I must prepare for the fall.

I: a failure

What am I?! I am a failure, a big disappointment. I embraced something I could never reach. I managed to convince people around that I was capable, but it all came down to this. It won't finish with a full stop, it will finish with a coma. A coma that will hunt me for as long as I live. A coma that will never bring me peace. Can I still change the game? I hope so. I hope the bad news that came will bring me some will to hut the full stop. How could I disappoint so many people? And why all I can feel is this agony for having disappointed others? Am I avoiding myself again? Avoiding thinking that I disappointed myself? How could I let it come to this point? I am not prepare to face life. I was never prepared. The point above just proves it. I want a shell to hide and prepare myself for a next step. Prepare to know how to deal with failure. I am sure it won't be easy. So many people that were convinced that I could do it even if I assured them that I wasn't sure. They never stopped to listen to the troubles I was going through. I guess they are not worth worrying about. Anyway, I will still have to deal with them and with this situation. I need a new plan also, but the time is short. I don't deal well with pressure. Only people going through the same things are able to understand a bit my situation, but they are so scarce. No one likes losers. I will never be able to move away from this. I: a failure!

Und es kommt wieder

And here we are again. The loneliness is back. The feeling of incapacity, of being nothing payed me visit again. I have achieved so much since last time. I have been trying to talk to strangers more and more. I have made friends outside my working place. Still I am here, lonely, but actually not. Why do I have to feel this way when it isn't even true? I have a family, actually many families. I have my blood family back home. I have my best friends that are another family. In every city I have ever lived, I left a family behind and I can always count on them. So I do I feel so lonely? I just wanted some magic to happen with me. I let myself go weak again. Let someone disappoint me on the same way again. I should have kept it to myself. I need some balls to start acting by myself and stop needing so much encouraging. I need to be more independent and a bit more selfish. I need to care of myself first before I can help other people. What is the use of helping someone when one can not even help themselves?

No plans

I am done organizing and inviting people out. I am loner, I just need to accept that and go with it. Funny how I had such a fun night yesterday and today the thing that I organized came to basically be dissolved. Now I will be putting myself in the situation I promised myself never to be in again. I am changed and clearly have no acquaintances like Rilke wrote: “I am learning to see. I don't know why it is, but everything enters me more deeply and doesn't stop where it once used to. I have an interior that I never knew of... What's the use of telling someone that I am changing? If I'm changing, I am no longer who I was; and if I am something else, it's obvious that I have no acquaintances. And I can't possibly write to strangers.” ― Rainer Maria Rilke, The Notebooks of Malte Laurids Brigge

"the road is you"

One thing I realized is that I cannot make such a big change from one day to another. I am failing badly on becoming a cold-hearted self-centered bitch. Yesterday people asked me help an abusive way and I couldn't say no. However, I am tired. I hardly explore anyone even if they explore me all the time. I have to change even if I take a small step everyday. I have to stop being too nice and letting people step on me. I need new friends that I can trust that they won't do that. I wished it was something easy to recognize in people. I am in constant change more than ever before. I will take control of my life. I will find friends that I can discuss art, literature, love with all the passion necessary. Friends that share feelings and mind if I am not well. As much as I don't like sharing my feelings, it is more out of fear than anything. I am never brave enough to do anything, always need some encouragement. This is my road, this is me, this is who I am changing to be.

Trying to find myself...

I am tired of large groups. One cannot be truly in a large group. There is something that being surrounded to too many people makes one behave like someone else. While in a small group, one can be oneself, share one's opinion and have meaningful conversations. I am barely holding on to my own self and I cannot afford losing it in a large group. I hope my group of friends can understand. Well, true friends always make sure to understand and I don't really care about losing the ones pretending.

Fading in

Oh, my teenager years... I didn't do much. I was always a loser, but I had my ideals and though I could change the world. Some things got better and some of my ideals took me in the right direction to a better way of living. However, I am not strong enough to stand the pressure of society anymore. There are more and more things I want to give in. It is time to take the soma and fit in. Live the life as everyone else. Pretend to be happy. Pretend to have fun. Pretend to like what I don't. Pretend, pretend, pretend... Maybe if I pretend hard enough, I will start believing in the lie. The lie I avoided for so long. No, I cannot change the world. I can hardly change people around me, so why should I keep going like this? I think the pretending might be a better solution as I am not brave enough to go with the suicidal option. I just want to fade inside the lie.

Friendship

What is friendship? Is it something that really exist? Or is it just a selfish thing we need to keep surviving? Why does friendships have to change so much with time? Some grow better and better, some just end with distance and some just grow in a direction some people involved are not exactly prepare or even willing to. Why does things always have to get weird? I have the best friends in the world, but I still feel lonely. Most of them are there for me when I need (or at least when I make sure they understand I need help). Still, I don't want things to change with the friendships I already have. As much as the new is always exciting, some things I prefer not to change, it scares me. I am convincing myself that I need to change, but some things are better the way they are. That's why I normally don't let my guards down. It always leads me to trouble and I don't know how to fix it. I hope I can do the right thing not to hurt anyone much. Yeah, I realized it is impossible for me to become the cold-hearted self-centered bitch I decided to become. Some things got change, but my friends showed me that being nice is not so bad.

Disappointments

I am sure I disappoint a lot of people, but people disappoint me immensely. I cannot understand that honesty and sincere the way I try to be, people still think I am hiding something. Yes, I am hiding something. Manly my feelings of disappointment with everyone and life itself. Things that can only hurt me and not anyone else. The crazy thing is that people think I am selfish and cold-hearted. I am just doing my best. Do you have a problem with?! Come and we talk about it. I am sure I will try my best to stop bothering you in any way. I can survive with no one, but not with a heavy conscious. As The Who says: "No one knows what it's like, to be the bad man To be the sad man, behind blue eyes No one knows what it's like, to be hated To be fated, to telling only lies" I would say more like living a lie than telling only lies. Maybe I should just lose myself and become another machine in the society. Dress what is fashionable, start drinking, smoking, live on a diat, ... Is it the way to be happy? Can anyone be happy? I was so happy in the beginning of the week and then comes today to destroy me. And it was something that I was just trying to lie to myself that I didn't know for sure. I hate when people hate me for nothing I did. I wouldn't mind if they hated me for being me, I can take that, but not for something that is not my fault. I decided that for now on, I won't organize anything anymore. If people want to go have dinner, I might join, but won't choose a thing or invite anyone. I am already bitter, I just need to wait a few years to get old on the outside as well and become a bitter old lady. I know I cannot avoid any kind of gender concept, so I decided to just take it as it is. Let's see how far I will get.

That's enough. Can't take it no more...

Cansei, basta, não vou mais ser boazinha. Não vale a pena. Pessoas continuam a achar o contrário não importa o que. Não importa minha honestidade e o fato de que sou sincera em quase qualquer pergunta que me façam. Não aguento mais ter que me decepcionar com a humanidade. Tenho que ser mais egoísta e transformar tudo a meu favor. I am going to become a cold-hearted self-centered bastard from now on!

Neverland

We grow old and all we want is to recall the good moments of our childhood. Was it that great to be a child? Why was it so great? Was the lack of responsibilities? The fact that there was always someone there to take care of us? Or just that everything was still new and exciting? But that wouldn't make sense if we want to have the good memories relived again. Are those memories really true in their greatness or is just the case that it happened so long ago and all faded away? Is it the fact that those experiences were the base for who we are now and going back is just trying to find ourselves? I have no answer as always. All I know is that I liked being a child. Since then I already knew that life was much simpler when we are kids. I remember telling my mother when was ~10 years old that I didn't want to grow up, I wanted to be a child forever. I should have escaped while I still could to Neverland...

And the night

And the night is here and I am still awake. It doesn't matter that the day was long, it seems I still cannot rest. My mind goes like crazy telling me all these things and elaborating a plan now to take control of my life. What can I do? What can I say? I wished I could just know how to talk to people, one specially. Why do I still get awkward around people? Why do I still end up alone in the corner? Nothing I do seems to work out. I need to take control. Make things go my way. How can I change? Am I able to change? DO I really want to change? Change scares me. I feel that if I change too much, I will stop being myself and I worked hard to be who I am. Not that I actually know who I am. I am me. I tend to be very sincere to the people I feel comfortable with and not to lie unless is vital to keep my appearance. Why do I care so much? My motto is 'I don't give a fuck!', but apparently, I actually do. I just don't want to look that pathetic. I hate pity and I don't want people to feel pity on me. I would always think that they talk to me, are my friends, whatever just because they are nice people and cannot help caring about someone that pathetic. I try so hard to be cool, to be me as much as I can, I would be devastated if I knew people like me just out of pity. Yeah, I am 26 years old and still haven't found myself. I guess I will spend my whole life trying to find me. I guess everybody do. Anyway, it is hard and sometimes I cannot take it. I need support, more than the one I have. I need someone more reliable, that have no one else that they care more. I want to feel unique. I try to be strong and say I don't need anyone, I can take care of myself, but it is not true. I am just struggling inside. I want to tell my story, but I seem not to trust anyone to hear the naked truth about me. There are so many people around and I still feel lonely. I as popular as I never was. I have a lot of people that care about me and that I care about. And I still feel like I need more, so much more. Let's try something different...

An incoherent way to live

I feel like writing to try to organize my thoughts. It might be the first time I write without being really depressed. I am actually quite happy today and it is not because things are working out, they aren't. I am still lonely and still not in control of life. I want to change things. In my head, a lot of the concepts I had, I see them differently. I judge them differently. I want to change. I need to change. Change my way to enjoy life. I seem never to live it fully. I should take more chances and see where they take me. I am just afraid that if something go wrong, I will be destroyed. I need to learn to face life and its misfortunes as nothing more than some tiny part of an amazing adventure. What is the use of hiding my feelings? Of not taking chances? Of planning every little step and not leaving anything to fortune? I have no answers, but I at least seem to know a few questions. As a scientist, or a try to be, the answer is what drives me forward, what makes me keep going. This week I take a bigger step than I ever did. That's my goal.