Jumping from the abysm

Today I took a deep breath and jumped into the unknown. I opened myself to be hurt again, but hopefully to be happy as well. It is not easy, my heart is still pumping hard. I am afraid of the answer, so I leave it to read it tomorrow. That is, if I have the answer by tomorrow. I have no idea where this will get me, but I am certain it will help me open up in the future. All is a learning process and I have so much to learn in interacting with people. I am giving small steps forward, it will take a while until I am near the normal line...

como lidar com um coração partido

e essa dor que me perturba
me persegue por toda parte
não há escapatória
como fazer para ela ir embora?
já tentei me convencer de tudo
mas nada funcionou
você não sai da minha mente
como pode eu te querer tanto?
não vejo razões
só motivos para não querer
e assim vai
quem sabe um dia passa
quem sabe para de doer tanto
dizem que o tempo cura
mas não acredito muito nisso
vou continuar sem respostas...

Evaporating

you made me tired of life
when you left me no explanation
all the question unanswered
were left to hunt me down
you disappeared for a while
and came back like there was nothing
like there never was
I was mistaken all the time
Did I imagine all of that?
Or did you change so much?
The rain is falling outside
And all I want is that feeling again
Maybe there will be nothing to stop me this time
I want to become one with the rain
And fall all over town
Then just flow through the streets
And go back to the clouds
You wouldn't matter anymore
I would be connect to something
I would have a purpose
I would be worth something

What fills my mind

How to write about something so many had written already. Even if it is about the same feeling, it still feels different. Did all those writers really felt this way? How can I have let myself go this way. I cannot think about nothing else. Is it pride? Is it love? But I don't believe in love. If so many wrote about it before, was everyone mistaken about it being love? I don't want to ever feel this again. I never got to the good part, been only mistreated. Maybe I was just another idiot to fall in love with the wrong person and enter into an abusive relationship. I felt and still feel very cheap. I wouldn't want anyone to feel it this way. Am I worth something? I hope so. I say I want revenge, but it might hurt me a bit more. What can I do to move on? I have been trying hard, but he cannot escape my mind. I tried to convince myself he is not worth all this suffering, after all he treated me like crap. The worst thing is that I actually let him treat me like that in fear of losing him. Well, I lost him anyway and now I am feeling with no value. How can he mess up with me so hard? If only I could understand a little bit. The sad thing about being logical is to always wonder about the answers. One has to be careful not to go crazy, well too crazy since I am a little bit already.

How to connect?

How hard it is to connect to people? To even meet them? I would say in Germany, it is pretty hard. I have never been really good with this, but even if I get better everyday, I still struggle so hard to connect. Is it because of the language barrier? It shouldn't be a problem. At least from where I am from, this would not keep anyone as an outsider. How can I be invited to be more of a part of other people's life? How can I be interesting and missable? I am not saying I never managed to do that. I have some pretty good friends, but I miss more. Most of them are leaving and I am still stuck in the same place.

Defensive mode

And I met you
when you smiled towards me
that was the end
I was caught forever
couldn't do anything to escape

after long shy talks
always on the defensive side
finally I had you for some time
it seemed like it was going well
but...

I hid behind my fears
and let you go away
now I suffer this love that never was
that I never understood how it came to be
if only I could be free again...

The pain that remains

I wish I could understand a bit more of what I am feeling. Maybe I felt something similar before, but never this much. How come can I like someone so much that it hurts? I wouldn't say it is love, I still don't believe in love. However, I feel something for him that I cannot tell why or how this happen. Am I just being proud in wanting him to like me just for the sake of that? Or is it something more? How can he mess with me this much. Maybe it is just my low self-esteem that always wanted to have a pretty boy like that running after me and never before achieved it. My teenage dream of a boy. I surely need to grow up and forget all about pretty assholes boys. What I need now is someone to talk to, someone to have with, someone that enjoys my company and misses me. Let's see how far can I go with my promise of finding someone that likes me more than I him goes. But then again, I am too nice to be with someone just because he likes me. I would hate to break someone's heart even if it is inevitable in life. I would hate of being the cause of so much pain for anyone. I need to move on and find someone nice that respect me. Hopefully I learned with my mistakes in this past whatever that was. I am tired of feeling just the pain. Keep away and let me move on. Be the asshole all the time and let me hate you. Stop being nice sometimes. Don't show me that beautiful smile anymore. Stop with your bullshit. Just let me be...