The pain that remains

I wish I could understand a bit more of what I am feeling. Maybe I felt something similar before, but never this much. How come can I like someone so much that it hurts? I wouldn't say it is love, I still don't believe in love. However, I feel something for him that I cannot tell why or how this happen. Am I just being proud in wanting him to like me just for the sake of that? Or is it something more? How can he mess with me this much. Maybe it is just my low self-esteem that always wanted to have a pretty boy like that running after me and never before achieved it. My teenage dream of a boy. I surely need to grow up and forget all about pretty assholes boys. What I need now is someone to talk to, someone to have with, someone that enjoys my company and misses me. Let's see how far can I go with my promise of finding someone that likes me more than I him goes. But then again, I am too nice to be with someone just because he likes me. I would hate to break someone's heart even if it is inevitable in life. I would hate of being the cause of so much pain for anyone. I need to move on and find someone nice that respect me. Hopefully I learned with my mistakes in this past whatever that was. I am tired of feeling just the pain. Keep away and let me move on. Be the asshole all the time and let me hate you. Stop being nice sometimes. Don't show me that beautiful smile anymore. Stop with your bullshit. Just let me be...