The endless road

And here I am again, writing my thoughts to clear my head. Here I am again with more questions and hardly any answer. Here I am again feeling the love that never came. I don't understand life, left alone love. There were some guys that I felt crazy about and could not explain exactly why. Was this love? The fact that I counted the minutes to see them. Is this how love is? If so, I must be brave and go after it with more courage. Don't be afraid of the falling. What would greatness be if there was bumps in the way? I tell myself I am open for this, but as always, for the things that really means something, I cannot go through. Am I afraid of being devastated? If so, why? I have so many disappointments all the time that I should be strong enough to handle another one. Ah, so many regrets I have. Why do I had to speak that much today? Why didn't I waited for him to speak? I think he was going to invite me for something, but I am not sure. Can I still fix this? Maybe not. It seems like I lost my place in line. I should keep on trying. Just keep on walking along a road that ends with no regrets.

When time stops

Today I fainted. Out of the blue, some seconds of my life were lost. In the middle of a fairly full subway, where the air was limited, I stood. Suddenly, I started sweating like crazy and my ears started popping. I was gone for a few seconds. I only remember waking up with people already holding my stuff and making me sit down. They were asking if I was ok. During those few seconds, I wasn't myself. I was lost, gone. My conscience was shut down and the me, as I know, had vanished. Is this how death feels like? Is this what happens? Do we just stop existing? When I was regaining conscience, it was like climbing from a hole. The sounds were faintly coming to a hearing loudness. The people were slowly appearing to be near. I was coming out of the hole, a conscience hole. Those few seconds were lost. I wasn't there to live them. My body was an empty shell. I was no longer. If death is like this, I don't understand why people fear so much. It is nothing, one feels nothing.

Set the house on fire

I might not succeed in finishing what I started. However, I am not so sure it is entirely my fault. Yes, I did not do the work that I had to do, but could I have avoided that given different circumstances? I guess I could. How do they let this happen over an over again is what I refuse to understand. There is certainly an intrinsic problem that few are open to deal with it. Can I help it change at least? Can I use my example as a bad one? More and more I am wishing for my bad just to make it bad for other people also. I can handle that, can they? One more in the statistic might help changing things. Is it fair that I was left out since the beginning? Maybe I should have spoken before, but I am was afraid, I had no proof. I had only my general feeling that I was the one doing it wrong as always. Anyway, there is not much I can do to save myself and my wish is to take as many with me as I can, only those who deserves of course. Let's set this house on fire and see who can escape unchanged...

Endless questions

What is it that drives us? What keeps us going? Is it enough to go for a long time? Why we don't give up? Why some actually do? What is the difference? Why even in some terrible situations there is still something to keep us going? What? I don't know. I have no answers. I am just an ignorant trying to understand how my mind works and failing constantly. So many questions with no answers. Is that what drives us? What drives me? So why am I tired of all these questions, but still keep on going. All I want is to adapt and forget who I am. I am ready to become just another person in the crowd.