No plans

I am done organizing and inviting people out. I am loner, I just need to accept that and go with it. Funny how I had such a fun night yesterday and today the thing that I organized came to basically be dissolved. Now I will be putting myself in the situation I promised myself never to be in again. I am changed and clearly have no acquaintances like Rilke wrote: “I am learning to see. I don't know why it is, but everything enters me more deeply and doesn't stop where it once used to. I have an interior that I never knew of... What's the use of telling someone that I am changing? If I'm changing, I am no longer who I was; and if I am something else, it's obvious that I have no acquaintances. And I can't possibly write to strangers.” ― Rainer Maria Rilke, The Notebooks of Malte Laurids Brigge

"the road is you"

One thing I realized is that I cannot make such a big change from one day to another. I am failing badly on becoming a cold-hearted self-centered bitch. Yesterday people asked me help an abusive way and I couldn't say no. However, I am tired. I hardly explore anyone even if they explore me all the time. I have to change even if I take a small step everyday. I have to stop being too nice and letting people step on me. I need new friends that I can trust that they won't do that. I wished it was something easy to recognize in people. I am in constant change more than ever before. I will take control of my life. I will find friends that I can discuss art, literature, love with all the passion necessary. Friends that share feelings and mind if I am not well. As much as I don't like sharing my feelings, it is more out of fear than anything. I am never brave enough to do anything, always need some encouragement. This is my road, this is me, this is who I am changing to be.

Trying to find myself...

I am tired of large groups. One cannot be truly in a large group. There is something that being surrounded to too many people makes one behave like someone else. While in a small group, one can be oneself, share one's opinion and have meaningful conversations. I am barely holding on to my own self and I cannot afford losing it in a large group. I hope my group of friends can understand. Well, true friends always make sure to understand and I don't really care about losing the ones pretending.

Fading in

Oh, my teenager years... I didn't do much. I was always a loser, but I had my ideals and though I could change the world. Some things got better and some of my ideals took me in the right direction to a better way of living. However, I am not strong enough to stand the pressure of society anymore. There are more and more things I want to give in. It is time to take the soma and fit in. Live the life as everyone else. Pretend to be happy. Pretend to have fun. Pretend to like what I don't. Pretend, pretend, pretend... Maybe if I pretend hard enough, I will start believing in the lie. The lie I avoided for so long. No, I cannot change the world. I can hardly change people around me, so why should I keep going like this? I think the pretending might be a better solution as I am not brave enough to go with the suicidal option. I just want to fade inside the lie.

Friendship

What is friendship? Is it something that really exist? Or is it just a selfish thing we need to keep surviving? Why does friendships have to change so much with time? Some grow better and better, some just end with distance and some just grow in a direction some people involved are not exactly prepare or even willing to. Why does things always have to get weird? I have the best friends in the world, but I still feel lonely. Most of them are there for me when I need (or at least when I make sure they understand I need help). Still, I don't want things to change with the friendships I already have. As much as the new is always exciting, some things I prefer not to change, it scares me. I am convincing myself that I need to change, but some things are better the way they are. That's why I normally don't let my guards down. It always leads me to trouble and I don't know how to fix it. I hope I can do the right thing not to hurt anyone much. Yeah, I realized it is impossible for me to become the cold-hearted self-centered bitch I decided to become. Some things got change, but my friends showed me that being nice is not so bad.

Disappointments

I am sure I disappoint a lot of people, but people disappoint me immensely. I cannot understand that honesty and sincere the way I try to be, people still think I am hiding something. Yes, I am hiding something. Manly my feelings of disappointment with everyone and life itself. Things that can only hurt me and not anyone else. The crazy thing is that people think I am selfish and cold-hearted. I am just doing my best. Do you have a problem with?! Come and we talk about it. I am sure I will try my best to stop bothering you in any way. I can survive with no one, but not with a heavy conscious. As The Who says: "No one knows what it's like, to be the bad man To be the sad man, behind blue eyes No one knows what it's like, to be hated To be fated, to telling only lies" I would say more like living a lie than telling only lies. Maybe I should just lose myself and become another machine in the society. Dress what is fashionable, start drinking, smoking, live on a diat, ... Is it the way to be happy? Can anyone be happy? I was so happy in the beginning of the week and then comes today to destroy me. And it was something that I was just trying to lie to myself that I didn't know for sure. I hate when people hate me for nothing I did. I wouldn't mind if they hated me for being me, I can take that, but not for something that is not my fault. I decided that for now on, I won't organize anything anymore. If people want to go have dinner, I might join, but won't choose a thing or invite anyone. I am already bitter, I just need to wait a few years to get old on the outside as well and become a bitter old lady. I know I cannot avoid any kind of gender concept, so I decided to just take it as it is. Let's see how far I will get.

That's enough. Can't take it no more...

Cansei, basta, não vou mais ser boazinha. Não vale a pena. Pessoas continuam a achar o contrário não importa o que. Não importa minha honestidade e o fato de que sou sincera em quase qualquer pergunta que me façam. Não aguento mais ter que me decepcionar com a humanidade. Tenho que ser mais egoísta e transformar tudo a meu favor. I am going to become a cold-hearted self-centered bastard from now on!

Neverland

We grow old and all we want is to recall the good moments of our childhood. Was it that great to be a child? Why was it so great? Was the lack of responsibilities? The fact that there was always someone there to take care of us? Or just that everything was still new and exciting? But that wouldn't make sense if we want to have the good memories relived again. Are those memories really true in their greatness or is just the case that it happened so long ago and all faded away? Is it the fact that those experiences were the base for who we are now and going back is just trying to find ourselves? I have no answer as always. All I know is that I liked being a child. Since then I already knew that life was much simpler when we are kids. I remember telling my mother when was ~10 years old that I didn't want to grow up, I wanted to be a child forever. I should have escaped while I still could to Neverland...

And the night

And the night is here and I am still awake. It doesn't matter that the day was long, it seems I still cannot rest. My mind goes like crazy telling me all these things and elaborating a plan now to take control of my life. What can I do? What can I say? I wished I could just know how to talk to people, one specially. Why do I still get awkward around people? Why do I still end up alone in the corner? Nothing I do seems to work out. I need to take control. Make things go my way. How can I change? Am I able to change? DO I really want to change? Change scares me. I feel that if I change too much, I will stop being myself and I worked hard to be who I am. Not that I actually know who I am. I am me. I tend to be very sincere to the people I feel comfortable with and not to lie unless is vital to keep my appearance. Why do I care so much? My motto is 'I don't give a fuck!', but apparently, I actually do. I just don't want to look that pathetic. I hate pity and I don't want people to feel pity on me. I would always think that they talk to me, are my friends, whatever just because they are nice people and cannot help caring about someone that pathetic. I try so hard to be cool, to be me as much as I can, I would be devastated if I knew people like me just out of pity. Yeah, I am 26 years old and still haven't found myself. I guess I will spend my whole life trying to find me. I guess everybody do. Anyway, it is hard and sometimes I cannot take it. I need support, more than the one I have. I need someone more reliable, that have no one else that they care more. I want to feel unique. I try to be strong and say I don't need anyone, I can take care of myself, but it is not true. I am just struggling inside. I want to tell my story, but I seem not to trust anyone to hear the naked truth about me. There are so many people around and I still feel lonely. I as popular as I never was. I have a lot of people that care about me and that I care about. And I still feel like I need more, so much more. Let's try something different...

An incoherent way to live

I feel like writing to try to organize my thoughts. It might be the first time I write without being really depressed. I am actually quite happy today and it is not because things are working out, they aren't. I am still lonely and still not in control of life. I want to change things. In my head, a lot of the concepts I had, I see them differently. I judge them differently. I want to change. I need to change. Change my way to enjoy life. I seem never to live it fully. I should take more chances and see where they take me. I am just afraid that if something go wrong, I will be destroyed. I need to learn to face life and its misfortunes as nothing more than some tiny part of an amazing adventure. What is the use of hiding my feelings? Of not taking chances? Of planning every little step and not leaving anything to fortune? I have no answers, but I at least seem to know a few questions. As a scientist, or a try to be, the answer is what drives me forward, what makes me keep going. This week I take a bigger step than I ever did. That's my goal.