Dilemmas

Lately I've been followed by dilemmas. Well, life is not easy at all, relationships are hard and love is even harder.

When in a friendship someone hurts you constantly even though you know it is not their intention at all, what to do? My answer was to just let them go... Not even a week passed and I get messages of the person as if she actually cared. I know she cares in some level, but it is just enough for me. It was not enough all the times that it made me cry with the lack of consideration in some points. The dilemma continues. I will have to try to let her go slowly or talk about everything...

When it comes to love, I don't know what to say. It is something I fight between trying to believe it is real and trying to understand what/how it is. Something anyone without a predominant logical way of thinking would disregard me right away. It's just hard to believe in something I never actually felt deeply. I really don't understand why some guys just give me chills around them while others even if they are all perfect, I don't feel any different. Exactly the kind of dilemma I am in now. Both guys are in the same group of friends, but I met them separately somehow.

The one guy, I liked him from the beginning. I looked at him and I was caught by his charming eyes and beautiful smile. I was sure I had no chance. He is much younger and a bit shy or arrogant at first. Somehow, he seemed to like me as well and we made out in a party the second time we saw each other. I just couldn't understand why he was always coming to talk to me and my friend, even though he knew most of the people inside. Afterwards, it didn't go much further. I tried to chat, but I am not good at chatting. He is not much of a talker either. Not with me at least. We met again, but then he disappeared. I was sure nothing would come to it. We met again randomly in a restaurant and since I was going to a concert the next day that I knew he was going, I decided to ask to go together. He treated me with a lot of distance. I felt like I should have gone alone after all.  Like he was afraid of me. I decided to send him a message afterwards saying how much I didn't understand him. We got to a serious talk and I scared him away. I could feel how uncomfortable he was beside me. I just decided to let go since he didn't want to talk about it. It was never happening. Then, last night, he comes to dance with me. Just like when we first made out. All charming and all. Coming closer and closer. And I let him, I let him play with me. I still had hope. I still have hope.

The other guy is those kind of people that like making everyone comfortable around. No wonder I feel good besides him. He is always talking and telling stories. He likes dancing as well and is very sociable. He is always the first to start talking, I don't need to put any effort. He has similar tastes, my age and he is quite cute. He listen to me and remembers what I tell him. The type of person anyone wants, the type of person I need. I just don't know where I should go from here. When the other guy is around, I feel good, but not more than that. While when the one guy comes close; even the air I breathe feels different. I am filled with this feeling I don't know what it is. I had that with very few guys in my life...

Now comes my dilemma. I am not sure the one guy wants and will ever really want something real with me. I can only hope. However, I kind of deserve someone better. Someone that actually knows what they want and that don't just go around playing with me. Someone like the other guy seems to be. But if I go out with the other guy, well, then the one option is certainly gone.

trying to love the question

Your indifference kills me
little by little
and I can't react
I don't know the problem
I put a lot effort into this
but it seems all in vain
maybe the problem is that I need so much effort
perhaps it is true that we can only get along with people compatible to us
what do I know about people
all I do is feel that it doesn't work
I try harder and harder
still no difference
feels like we are getting apart
maybe some people can only connect for some short time
and then it is all gone
I probably do the same
I hope I don't
I would hate myself even more
to think that I make people feel like this
why do I suffer if I can rationalise all
and see that some many things before me influenciate
things I have no control of
I'm just tired
I am trying to love the question Rainer
It's just harder than I thought