Be vulnerable my ass

Let yourself be vulnerable, they said. Happiness come from vulnerability...
And I let myself that, but not completely. Now I suffer the consequences of trying and getting no answer. Why it has always to be so hard? Even when it is suppose to be just a crazy act that will last a short period? I wish to understand what goes on other people's head. Why do they say things they don't really mean? I wonder if they even think about the consequences of those words. People that are emotional unstable like I am should walk around with a sign on our heads. To let people know that we are fragile and should be handle with care. The problem is wanting to let so many strangers actually know this deep trace on ourselves. And that these strangers shall have to be taught to know how to deal with us. Well, no sign would be needed if people were always kind and true to everyone. You don't want to tell the truth? Choose not saying anything instead of just a lie. Be quiet. Silence can sometimes be more rewarding than any bullshit words. We all need a bit of kindness and truth.

My goal is not to make you happy, but to keep myself sane

there is no hope left
for us to be back
we were never one
always apart
you moved too fast
and I was left in the dark
climbing the hole
wondering why
what went wrong
and in this past
what if it was
what if I
what if the night
went away with the dark
and I could see the bright sky
what if I stop
thinking of you
and leave it all behind
if only I could
keep myself sane
and keep me away
that's what I'll do
be on my own
opening my eyes
to see the light
out of this hole
no hope is left
I am just by myself
always moving on

An introvert pretending to be an extrovert

What is it like to be pretending to be someone else? How easy it is? Can this actually change who you are? Can you start being part of the pretending world and lose yourself in the way? I think not. I am an introvert. My whole life story told me this. However, somehow, I tried to be different. I tried to be part of a large group. To get to know more and more people. To talk to everyone. For a while, it seemed like the pretend world would swallow me and that would turn truth. Two long has passed and I am falling behind. My real self keeps fighting back. And I like it more and more because of this. It is sickening the fact that I let myself pretend to be something else. I am me! And that's my best quality. No one else is like that. I have my own thoughts, my own struggles, my own battles won. I just need to learn to always embrace this and not let anyone or anything take that away from me. I am an introvert, so if you want to talk to me, be prepared to talked more than shallow thoughts. Be prepared to become a close friend. I don't need anyone else to just say shit around me.
Embrace yourself, that's my only advice!

Erasing time

I was miserable
Crying with no stop
But then I went to sleep
And the day of yesterday was erased
I didn't know when it was
What had happened
It was as if I had jumped a day
But then I forced it
And it all came back
The waterfall of tears
And the agony
The fear of what had happened the day before
My sanctuary was lost
It became the place I had the last breakdown
It's time to move on

Back to the Pretend Land

Suck up your tears
Put a smile on your face
Nod when asked your opinion
Don't think, just move along
It is time to go back to Pretend Land

The end of a sacred place

2 and a half years have passed
And now is time to let go
What once was my sanctuary
Doesn't do it for me anymore
All the pretending
All the happiness I am not part off
Drags me deeper into the hole
It is time to change
New challenges await me
And maybe then I can relax again
Forget all my troubles like before
Climb the reef a bit higher
I know I will never get to the top
But I will try to keep going up

About France and the many innocent lives taken everyday

Last Friday, some innocent people were killed brutally by extremists in Paris. This happens almost every Friday in many places in the world. So why it hurts so much more now? I was almost crying reading the news. However, was this because of the people dead? This empathy, why for them only and not others? It is probably because I somehow feel connected to their style of life. They are similar to me (if that's possible). It also happened in a city I spent so many magical moments... I still don't stop blaming me for caring for them more than the other innocent lives taken every single day. Maybe my empathy is more of a selfishness wanting my freedom of thought, the ideals, the love in the air of the city of lights still intact. Maybe I have more compassion for the city and what it represents than the actual lives. Does this make me a horrible person? How can I love ideas and be so far away of loving people? I don't want war. It will only give the IS what they want and that is how France is reacting, unfortunately. I wished things could be simpler. People could just sit down, talk about their believes and calmly discuss them through a few cups of coffee.

If...I

If only once
I could keep my my head straight
And walk away with nothing to lose

If only once
I could see the magic in the world
Without rationalizing anything

If only I could see the beauty
And forget about the sadness

If only
I could stop obsessing about the emptiness
And started living

If only I
If...
I...

Countdown

Oh suffering that keeps on coming
Prolonging its way through 28 years
Countless sadness from misunderstandings
When all seems good, it is the time it strikes
An agony that aflores every now and then
It is hard to keep the mind straight
The desires and needs are always there
Affronting the weak in pain
If only the suffering would be reduced
If only there was a restart button
The disappearance of the brave
It would never be felt
Only another one that fails
A mediocre without a sparkle
Another worthless life
Without a meaning
Another year ahead
Maybe many other years to come
And the hope of what could be
Sanity might not last long
The waiting is what clears the path
The bomb is counting down
Waiting for its final act...

Resistance

connections that never come
we stay alone
far apart
surrounded by people
dancing to the same song
but never connected

they all want the same
not my mind
or my opinion
just my smile,
my body,
my surrender

one got be strong
it is not for everyone
resist till one's dead...

Silence / Noise

I am tired of this game
Of pretending all is fine
I am tired of this game
That makes me feel like I am not worth
Life tires me...

One more step
The same question again and again
And back to the beginning

I want to fall in love
To crazily forget everything around
To forget about the lies
To be controlled by a feeling
And not the other people

I want a quiet mind
That thinks one thing of a time
And only once till it reaches an answer
I want to stop the obsessing

I will follow the music
Till it is quiet
Because then,
There is no point living...

Time is up, forget is all I can do

I need to learn to stop caring about you
I need to train my eyes to stop following your moves
I need to stop remembering what you like or dislike
How your face turns sideways when you smile
I need to learn that it is all over
There is no hope
That you never wanted to give me what you give her
That I was just something to spend some time with
I need to start seeing more clearly about my life
And forget that you ever existed that way
It shouldn't be that hard, we are already far apart
I wish I could stop seeing you around
But where I meet you is what keeps me sane
I regret so many things in our time together
I offered you my heart and you didn't care
I told you my story, but now it seems like you didn't listen
I opened up like never before and you left me there
Broken, ashamed, feeling cheap
I was just a thing, not worthy to worry

Practice makes perfect

Once more I need to rethink about my life. Where do I want to get? Am I able to achieve it the way I am going? What do I need to change? However, for this, I need to understand the why things go the way they go. That's the hard part. I never managed to learn that. Why I am the one left stranded on the corner? What is it about me? Am I still that closed of a person? Is that what keeps others away? I am so interested in human connections, but yet so far to understand them and put them in practice. I guess I am really a theoretician. It is time to start with the experiments...

ah, se eu pudesse escolher
como seria
a vida
ah, eu faria tudo ser diferente

ah, se eu pudesse me controlar
e sempre responder
a resposta certa

ah, se eu pudesse ser
desse meu jeito
só para você ver

This is a road of self-knowledge

I think the world is too small sometimes. I seem to know it all and have seem it all and perceive more than everyone around. Other times I think the world is too big and it scares the hell out of me. The simple drop of a pen can make me run away. I like complaining because I have nothing to complain. Life tires me most of the times. However, sometimes it can be so amazingly beautiful with its simplicity.

The sucker in me

I am the sucker
Who trusts everyone
I am the sucker
That does everything to please
I am the sucker
That keeps believing

More important
I believe in goodness in people
That's all I can hope for...

Wrong expectations

All this life of promises and no accomplishes
It never ends as the expectation
Do I ask too much?
Do I dream too much?
What is too much?

---------------------------------------------------------------

And you were there
Smiling at me as if I were more
We talked, you left
You ignored me
The questions remained

Infinity is an illusion

All is flame
Bounded to last a short time
Infinity is an illusion

Ephemeral...

It's inevitable
We will fall apart
We change with every experience
And the lack of contact
Keeps us further away
Once I believed a best friend is forever
A connection that strong has to be forever
But I was too naive to know better
We all change all the time
We are constantly learning something
And every time we learn, we change
It depends on how much one can share this
That will hold the shores closer
Or else, life is a mere bliss
Like everything else

The infinity

What am I suppose to accept to get what I want?
What am I suppose to force to get there?
What am I suppose to be?
There is no plan and no goal
It is an endless path to nowhere
So why do I need to keep going?
Why do I care so much?
Is it really worth it?
The road keeps on destroying me
And gluing me back
I am never sure how long I will last...

To get inspired by others

Role models, idols, I have many because none is perfect since no human being can achieve perfection. So I get inspired by the perfection that each can bring me. I can only aspire to be, to have all this perfection and I keep trying. I find new role models everyday and everyday I get closer to be all I want to be.

all I want is kindness around

Kindness, where it went? Where can we find some? It feels like people are lacking it more and more. I feel everytime I am kind to someone how much they thank me. As if I was doing so much and yet was something so little. What surprises me the most is the amazed face I get in return. As if I did something so unbelievably nice that I should deserve the highest gratitude when I just let someone that needed more have a seat. How can I spread this so more people will do the same? Then no one else will look at me that amazed anymore. "You can say I am a dreamer", I guess I am. I just trying to make the word around me the way I want it to be. I can't even say I am trying hard, I am just doing it and hoping the others will get inspired and do the same.

Maker in the making

If only I could be an artist. If only I could inspire someone with my art work. If only I could let all my feelings out in a way to be worth to inspire someone. I love art so much, but I can only interact with it, connect to it as an outsider. Can I find something that would make me connect to art as the maker of art? What could I try? I dance, but I just repeating movements. I sing, but only repeating words. I used to draw, but only copying some other illustration. Is it lack of creativity? Is it fear of exposing myself that holds me back? Oh the questions that fill my mind. "... try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue", like Rilke said. I am living the questions and little by little getting close to live the answers when I am ready for them.

It will always hurt

It still hurts to not have you, but I am glad we talked. We shared our stories and managed to understand a bit better one another. Both our stories are sad, that's just life. I don't think I know anyone that haven't suffer in a way or another. So, don't pity me. I didn't tell you my story to make you feel sorry for me. I told you so you could understand a bit better why I am the way I am. My story is what made me. I am my story, my memories. Friends to pity themselves, they are just there to support when needed. And sometimes also when not needed. Friends are just there. I hope we can be friends even if it will always hurt...

All about letting yourself go...

Last week I decided to jump the cliff. The fall scared the hell of me, but the adrenaline of the try embraced my body completely and I just let it go. I grew more with this experience than I did before in years of hiding myself in my shell. Today I feel like i can take the world. It is there waiting for me to take it. I told my story and I managed not to cry. Well, to hide the cry at least. How can I learn to feel if I never let myself feel anything? Also, I learned deeply about someone else. I heard his story. This helps to see the world in a completely different light. All of us go through some suffering in our lives. There is no way to measure it. All of us take it differently. I let it make me a nice person. I decided I don't like hurting other people, so I take the blame. I know how to del with it now. And I can be happy with that.

All I can say is jump the cliff. Maybe you will fly.

Jumping from the abysm

Today I took a deep breath and jumped into the unknown. I opened myself to be hurt again, but hopefully to be happy as well. It is not easy, my heart is still pumping hard. I am afraid of the answer, so I leave it to read it tomorrow. That is, if I have the answer by tomorrow. I have no idea where this will get me, but I am certain it will help me open up in the future. All is a learning process and I have so much to learn in interacting with people. I am giving small steps forward, it will take a while until I am near the normal line...

como lidar com um coração partido

e essa dor que me perturba
me persegue por toda parte
não há escapatória
como fazer para ela ir embora?
já tentei me convencer de tudo
mas nada funcionou
você não sai da minha mente
como pode eu te querer tanto?
não vejo razões
só motivos para não querer
e assim vai
quem sabe um dia passa
quem sabe para de doer tanto
dizem que o tempo cura
mas não acredito muito nisso
vou continuar sem respostas...

Evaporating

you made me tired of life
when you left me no explanation
all the question unanswered
were left to hunt me down
you disappeared for a while
and came back like there was nothing
like there never was
I was mistaken all the time
Did I imagine all of that?
Or did you change so much?
The rain is falling outside
And all I want is that feeling again
Maybe there will be nothing to stop me this time
I want to become one with the rain
And fall all over town
Then just flow through the streets
And go back to the clouds
You wouldn't matter anymore
I would be connect to something
I would have a purpose
I would be worth something

What fills my mind

How to write about something so many had written already. Even if it is about the same feeling, it still feels different. Did all those writers really felt this way? How can I have let myself go this way. I cannot think about nothing else. Is it pride? Is it love? But I don't believe in love. If so many wrote about it before, was everyone mistaken about it being love? I don't want to ever feel this again. I never got to the good part, been only mistreated. Maybe I was just another idiot to fall in love with the wrong person and enter into an abusive relationship. I felt and still feel very cheap. I wouldn't want anyone to feel it this way. Am I worth something? I hope so. I say I want revenge, but it might hurt me a bit more. What can I do to move on? I have been trying hard, but he cannot escape my mind. I tried to convince myself he is not worth all this suffering, after all he treated me like crap. The worst thing is that I actually let him treat me like that in fear of losing him. Well, I lost him anyway and now I am feeling with no value. How can he mess up with me so hard? If only I could understand a little bit. The sad thing about being logical is to always wonder about the answers. One has to be careful not to go crazy, well too crazy since I am a little bit already.

How to connect?

How hard it is to connect to people? To even meet them? I would say in Germany, it is pretty hard. I have never been really good with this, but even if I get better everyday, I still struggle so hard to connect. Is it because of the language barrier? It shouldn't be a problem. At least from where I am from, this would not keep anyone as an outsider. How can I be invited to be more of a part of other people's life? How can I be interesting and missable? I am not saying I never managed to do that. I have some pretty good friends, but I miss more. Most of them are leaving and I am still stuck in the same place.

Defensive mode

And I met you
when you smiled towards me
that was the end
I was caught forever
couldn't do anything to escape

after long shy talks
always on the defensive side
finally I had you for some time
it seemed like it was going well
but...

I hid behind my fears
and let you go away
now I suffer this love that never was
that I never understood how it came to be
if only I could be free again...

The pain that remains

I wish I could understand a bit more of what I am feeling. Maybe I felt something similar before, but never this much. How come can I like someone so much that it hurts? I wouldn't say it is love, I still don't believe in love. However, I feel something for him that I cannot tell why or how this happen. Am I just being proud in wanting him to like me just for the sake of that? Or is it something more? How can he mess with me this much. Maybe it is just my low self-esteem that always wanted to have a pretty boy like that running after me and never before achieved it. My teenage dream of a boy. I surely need to grow up and forget all about pretty assholes boys. What I need now is someone to talk to, someone to have with, someone that enjoys my company and misses me. Let's see how far can I go with my promise of finding someone that likes me more than I him goes. But then again, I am too nice to be with someone just because he likes me. I would hate to break someone's heart even if it is inevitable in life. I would hate of being the cause of so much pain for anyone. I need to move on and find someone nice that respect me. Hopefully I learned with my mistakes in this past whatever that was. I am tired of feeling just the pain. Keep away and let me move on. Be the asshole all the time and let me hate you. Stop being nice sometimes. Don't show me that beautiful smile anymore. Stop with your bullshit. Just let me be...

about me

I am a suicide that by chance is still struggling to remain alive. I try to carry everyones weight and forget to share some of mine. I live in an imaginary world, but keep on trying to find me rope to the real one. I dance to forget everything, I dance to connect with the music, I dance just because I dance. I try hard to believe in love, but haven't achieve that just yet. I write when I cannot keep any longer the mess in my head. I could have been so much, yet I chose to be mediocre.

Frozen me

This self-obsession of mine that keeps me in this sadistic wait. The time pass by, the hints point that it won't work out and nothing makes me move. If only I could give the first steps towards the outside of this cage. I am collecting my words so I can reason, say it out loud and finally start moving. How could I remained still for so long? Probably the idea of how it could be, the stories I created in my mind. Perhaps the mechanism that so many times helped me keep on moving, it is exactly the same thing that makes me still. Let my heart be broken so I can glue back the pieces and move on. I cannot take living in this self-obsession for that long.

The act of help

Empathy, what can I say about that more that I seem to feel it more that many people I know? Maybe my life story, the way I experienced it made me realize I don't want anyone to get in the same situation. Maybe this is what triggered the empathy in me. I wrote the other day that I am expert in taking other people's weight and putting them on my shoulders. I must say I struggle on solving them, they make me suffer, but I keep on doing it. Wondering for the why would I put myself in this kind of situation got me to a conclusion. Maybe the pleasure I receive on seeing the other people relieved when passing their weight to me makes me strong enough to survive the pain that they bring to me. Maybe I feel that I am more prepare to handle them considering all my passed struggles and the fact that I survived. My empathy brings me pleasure even if I don't realize it sometimes. It is not easy to survive alone, we are community animals. We need to help one another and the act of helping shall keep us strong enough not to fall, to keep on walking. I cannot understand people in general, but nevertheless I keep on trying to bring moments of happiness in their lives even if I don't receive anything visible in exchange. Just the fact that I am helping makes me feel better about myself and keeps me going forward.

The same old story

I am the kind of person that don't take the words said to me as they are, but I interpret them accordingly to the person speaking. And this makes me take much more than I deserve. Oh words, how can they be so harmful? I keep on hearing them on my ears and trying to get the same interpretation as at the time I heard them. Not an easy task when thinking of them, makes you think about all your feelings. And the why that never leaves me alone. I grew up in a very closed minded society where I was taught what I could do not based on my skills, but on the way people would talk about it afterwards. Fortunately, I was a rebel from an early age. So stubborn that I couldn't just take the words and not ask the why. The skeptical was born and after that, nothing could be changed. I am part of the group of melancholics. We see the world in a different form, we see life in a different form. We take words and rethink them over and over again. They hunt us like ghosts. There isn't that were just words, nothing more. They will always have to mean something. Well, more random thoughts that came to my mind. I leave you only this.

Who am I? I am the person living my story...

I say "I'm sorry!" even it is not my fault. I say "Excuse me!" even if I am not the one in the way. I say "Thank you!" even if I am the that should be thanked for something. I believe in people goodness even when all proves the opposite. You can call me Naive, but I call myself a Dreamer!

Let yourself be

Self-confidence is a funny thing. I must confess that it is the first time of my life I am experiencing this and it makes such a big difference in the way people treat you. I used to be the shy girl in the corner that just wanted to interact with someone and now, I even have to escape interacting with so many people. Why is it so? I certainly need this less than before, but people seem to come only whenever you don't really need them. That's why I hope I do a good job helping the shy loners in the corner. All they need is some encouragement to feel comfortable. Not being afraid of who you are is certainly as sexy as ever. People just like people who know who they are and who they want to be. All I can tell is that since I learned to just let myself go, more and more people seem to like me. It will never stop surprising me how everything changed...

Let's go get the future!

A new year starts and I started collecting the memories from the one we leave behind. 2014 was a year of many changes for me. It was the year I decided to take control of my life. I grew so much in so little time. I changed, but remained the same. I went from a miserable state where I envisioned a close death to a happy state where I am sure of who I am and who I want to be. I am more and more confident, something I haven't known for so many years. That doesn't mean I stop learning, that's impossible. New adventures awaits me and I am trying to prepare myself as much as I can. No fears. Why should I fear anything? I am the in charge of what I want to live and what I want to be. I wish I can do all these wonderful things work out and also help out people that are as lost as I was in the beginning of last year. Let's go grab the future!