Dilemmas

Lately I've been followed by dilemmas. Well, life is not easy at all, relationships are hard and love is even harder.

When in a friendship someone hurts you constantly even though you know it is not their intention at all, what to do? My answer was to just let them go... Not even a week passed and I get messages of the person as if she actually cared. I know she cares in some level, but it is just enough for me. It was not enough all the times that it made me cry with the lack of consideration in some points. The dilemma continues. I will have to try to let her go slowly or talk about everything...

When it comes to love, I don't know what to say. It is something I fight between trying to believe it is real and trying to understand what/how it is. Something anyone without a predominant logical way of thinking would disregard me right away. It's just hard to believe in something I never actually felt deeply. I really don't understand why some guys just give me chills around them while others even if they are all perfect, I don't feel any different. Exactly the kind of dilemma I am in now. Both guys are in the same group of friends, but I met them separately somehow.

The one guy, I liked him from the beginning. I looked at him and I was caught by his charming eyes and beautiful smile. I was sure I had no chance. He is much younger and a bit shy or arrogant at first. Somehow, he seemed to like me as well and we made out in a party the second time we saw each other. I just couldn't understand why he was always coming to talk to me and my friend, even though he knew most of the people inside. Afterwards, it didn't go much further. I tried to chat, but I am not good at chatting. He is not much of a talker either. Not with me at least. We met again, but then he disappeared. I was sure nothing would come to it. We met again randomly in a restaurant and since I was going to a concert the next day that I knew he was going, I decided to ask to go together. He treated me with a lot of distance. I felt like I should have gone alone after all.  Like he was afraid of me. I decided to send him a message afterwards saying how much I didn't understand him. We got to a serious talk and I scared him away. I could feel how uncomfortable he was beside me. I just decided to let go since he didn't want to talk about it. It was never happening. Then, last night, he comes to dance with me. Just like when we first made out. All charming and all. Coming closer and closer. And I let him, I let him play with me. I still had hope. I still have hope.

The other guy is those kind of people that like making everyone comfortable around. No wonder I feel good besides him. He is always talking and telling stories. He likes dancing as well and is very sociable. He is always the first to start talking, I don't need to put any effort. He has similar tastes, my age and he is quite cute. He listen to me and remembers what I tell him. The type of person anyone wants, the type of person I need. I just don't know where I should go from here. When the other guy is around, I feel good, but not more than that. While when the one guy comes close; even the air I breathe feels different. I am filled with this feeling I don't know what it is. I had that with very few guys in my life...

Now comes my dilemma. I am not sure the one guy wants and will ever really want something real with me. I can only hope. However, I kind of deserve someone better. Someone that actually knows what they want and that don't just go around playing with me. Someone like the other guy seems to be. But if I go out with the other guy, well, then the one option is certainly gone.

trying to love the question

Your indifference kills me
little by little
and I can't react
I don't know the problem
I put a lot effort into this
but it seems all in vain
maybe the problem is that I need so much effort
perhaps it is true that we can only get along with people compatible to us
what do I know about people
all I do is feel that it doesn't work
I try harder and harder
still no difference
feels like we are getting apart
maybe some people can only connect for some short time
and then it is all gone
I probably do the same
I hope I don't
I would hate myself even more
to think that I make people feel like this
why do I suffer if I can rationalise all
and see that some many things before me influenciate
things I have no control of
I'm just tired
I am trying to love the question Rainer
It's just harder than I thought

falling apart

I guess we are falling apart
No more interactions
I don't know what you are doing
I know nothing about you
Only random encounters are to come

Let go

I might not have been wrong about you after all
It is just complicated as always
Around me things are never easy
And you can feel that
Maybe it is the same for you
I am not sure
You hide so much from me
I can never tell anything
I have to make up all these theories
I just don't know
You are so brave
I would have run away
You are still there, fighting
I am still there as well
I don't know why
But I have this really good feeling coming from you
You drive me a crazy
And I stay with all these questions
I don't know how to let go
How to love without rationalising
I might be old enough
I just never learned it
Funny how a young soul can teach me so much
Even with so few interactions
You are there
In my mind
Bothering me to learn more
More about you
More about connections
More about love
More about myself
Learning to let go
And just go for it
I will just go for it

Why

Why do you fear me?
What do I do wrong?
What do I do right?
Do you fear yourself around me?
Or is it me?
Why is it always so complicated?
Why can't it be just let go?
Why do I overthink?
Why?
Why?
...

The Pacific

And I saw him for the first time

In a sunny afternoon in Lima

Walking down in Miraflores

He was so distant at first

But I walked my way toward him

Admiring his every single detail

Like how the sun reflected on him

He looked at me in charming waves

I got closer and closer

Wanted to see his features better

From the top of the hill

I could see his vastness

His movements were hypnotising

I didn’t dare to make close contact this time

I will need another chance

But even from the distance

For some instants

The Pacific and I were one

You, another mistake

I thought you were different...
My mistake
No answers is my type of game
You were interested in knowledge of all forms
The best quality anyone can have
With those interesting and mysterious eyes
And a sweet beautiful smile
I let myself be fooled
Ignored my first impression
You couldn't be arrogant
You seemed so nice

Now you are gone
I'm in no mental condition to run after you
And you care less about me
We won't see each other again
Maybe in some music concerts
Because yeah, you had a pretty good taste in music
Taught me so much in so little time
Such a young soul with such an experience

I will have to forget you
I don't know how yet
Forgetting is not my strength
Obsessing is more my thing
Only time can let me forget
Something I am not sure how much I have

Is that enough?

I guess I am never going to be cured
I will have to live like this forever
Can I change to enjoy the pain?
Change...
Something not feasible
We are what we are
As much as we wish to be something else
Lesson learned in therapy
Acceptance is all that's left
Is that enough?

One more year

one more year
that I am still here
stuck
going nowhere
burying myself deeper

one more year
I survived
despite the pain

one more year
countless madness moments
planning the inevitable

one more year
living with a clock bomb
anxious to see its end

one more year
trying to love
and failing
is love even real?

one more year
feeling useless
doing nothing

one more year
trying to put myself together
a full time job
no time for fun

one more year
that's all it was
all that I get

Happiness?!

Did I even once had it together?
No, I don't think so
I am not even sure I know what happiness mean
I had some moments when I was calmer
But nothing to keep me going

Normal vs different

No matter what
things don't change
I will keep being like this
all that's left is to accept
this need of being me
and will of being normal
battling each other
till I am done
...

When the fun ended

And suddenly
it all stopped
the music
the dancing
the happiness around
nothing more could help
the fun was gone
I was all numb
an anesthesia to feelings
this time I escaped
but what about next time?
will there be a next time?

A mess of contradiction

I recently started doing therapy. I had two sessions so far. I am not sure yet what and how can it help. I learned that I am a contradiction in many ways. I get bored easily, but I like repetition a lot. I need to move and keep moving, but I am lazy as hell. I might be intelligent, but I feel dumb all the time. I hate small talk, but I don't know how to get to big talks. I don't trust people easily for certain things, but for others, I trust them too fast....

My western civilization arrogance

I went to visit Peru for the first time two weeks ago. It was not the trip I dreamed as a child, of exploring the Andes to get to the lost city of Machu Picchu. I went there by bus like hundredths of others and our local guides. It was not exploring. It was just like being taken to see what they think it is more important, no chance to just wander around and find something interesting. I guess that when tourism is such an important economic activity in the country, that's how it goes. Don't get me wrong, the place is amazingly beautiful and one can still feel the magic left behind from the Incas. However, somehow, I ended believing the biggest adventure I had in the trip was using the "Kombis" to get from Callao to the centre of Lima. There it was the only place I felt like part of the city and I could choose to look wherever I wanted. There was no one to blind me in a direction.
I learned a lot about the Incas with the guides. Maybe more than I would have learned if I went there to explored by myself, but ...
I "explored" the mystical lake Titicaca and its islands where people still insist to live as some pre-inca civilizations, or almost like that. It is kind of amazing some of the things they do with so little. like building their own islands every year because that's how long they last. They preserve all the mores from before and they show it to tourists for some money. However, they live in such hard conditions, such poverty, with lack of opportunities, structure, and all of the facilities we have in our western world. Is this really a way worth living to keep some culture from some many years before? It makes me wonder if they really have a quality of life over there. Is it my arrogance to think that the way we live is better and that they should long for it? If they are so glad to keep living like this why do they beg us tourists to buy their crafts so they can have money? My arrogance of thinking I have a better life makes me pity them.
More than anything, instead of exploring the knowledge and places, I felt like being explored and exploring people that could have better opportunities if it wasn't for showing a culture to tourists that are just amazed to get to know people living like if it was hundredths of years ago. A privilege only people living in some more modern cultures can have.

The calm after the storm

And today all seems calm. Like nothing happened yesterday. Like it was just an ordinary day like any other before...

my mess

when do you have to start bothering the ones you love with your problems? I don't want to drag them into my mess. I can't help being there, it's how it always been. I can't remember the time I wasn't in this agony. If only someone had payed enough attention to help me leave this hole. No wonder people end up taking desperate measures. I am quite sure I would never go as far as killing other people, but myself... I just feel like disappearing so I won't have to bother more people. I am also so demanding even if people don't realise it. I get hurt so easily. I feel like I am being forgotten by people anytime they have their private time. Why do I need so much attention? I am trying so hard for so long to be independent and accept my loner status. However people are nice and I get attached to them easily. It's something I am not able to avoid. As soon as I get attached, that's when I think they owe me more than I deserve. Like they should owe me anything. We should all be free in our own times and contact people whenever we feel like it. And I should stop expecting people to remember I exist all the time. I certainly don't do that with them. I am so lost in this mess of mine.

Be good, be bad, be true

I feel like I am getting better in letting my walls down and getting people in, but the more I think I am getting better, the fast the people leave. Am I such a boring person not worth having around? Am I really so awful to keep even if as an acquaintance? My agony and depression, my most constant friends keep telling me that is all my fault. That I should be different. Or just disappear.

Plans to get attention come to my mind. I start thinking about hurting myself. Isolating myself from all others. Why do I need attention? Why do we all need attention? Why do we care about others opinion? It doesn't matter how nice someone seem, one will never know the their true self. One can only perceive what the other person wants one to perceive. I hate the nice people more and more. I am a nice person. And I hate myself the most. I feel like the bad people, one can at least tell that they are bad and not be in doubt.

While the city was locked down, I was dancing

Yesterday, while I was enjoying my dance class, the city I live was locked down by the police after a shooting in a shopping mall. Living in a Continent that is devastated by terrorist attacks all the time, a shooting means that the whole city is locked down until further notice. I had no idea what was happening since I left my mobile at home charging before leaving to go dancing. It was already two hours after the incident that I found myself in a subway station trying to get myself home and realised that all public transport was shut down until further notice and only heard the announcement to get out of the station. So I started walking home. Many people were in the streets walking to get somewhere or just waiting for the public transport to start again. I had no idea what had happened, I am not sure those people waiting knew something. All I could see were some police cars driving around with their sirens on, but nothing I haven't seen before. After walking about 1 km on my way home trying to understand what the hell was happening, I decided to ask someone in the street. With my broken german, I could understand that a shooting had happened, but nothing further. I kept walking. By two subway stations before my house, I noticed a lot of police were securing the place and not letting anyone in. I still had no clue that the city was locked down and we were all suppose to be inside some place safe and not walking in the streets. I kept walking just thinking about my closest friends and if they were safe. I only wanted to get to my phone to talk to them and to let my family know I was fine. 2 km more and I was home. I was so nervous that I couldn't remember the pin to unlock my sim card, but at least whatsapp was working. I started answering all the messages I got still without knowing exactly what happened and slowly I got to know that there was actually one shooting in a shopping mall (so the info I got on the street was actually wrong) and the police was trying to go after the criminals. I read as many info as I could find and after this I got to the conclusion that it was probably not a terrorist attack from an organisation, but a lonely crazy wolf that  went on committing such crime. However, in times of so many terrorist attacks around, the police decided that it was necessary to lock down the whole city. A bit of an exaggerated reaction in my opinion, but maybe it is just because I come from a country where this happens all the time and we have to keep living and get used to it. All I can say is that I cannot even imagine how is to live somewhere where with constant fear like in a war zone. This was more confusing than scary. The fear I had in my home country is a different one. Somehow, I have to try to understand what took this guy to come up with such a horrible decision to go shooting people. All I can think about is that he probably had some mental illness like so many of us (e.g. I have depression) and there was no one empathic enough to help him go through this without a crazy act. Somehow, I always think the problem in the world is lack of empathy. Crazy to think about that considering how so many people are afraid of psychopaths, but they act just like one in many situations. Psychopaths are just people that cannot feel empathy. I will try to do my best to listen to people that are in need. Well, I guess everyone then, everyone is in need somehow...

o tempo passa num ritmo frenetico

se tudo fosse tão simples
nessa minha cabeça confusa
que voa a mil por hora
e dá voltas ao mundo incessantemente

essa agonia que me persegue
essa alergia ao real que me assoma
essa obsessão sem controle
tudo fugiria

e eu aqui parada
vendo tudo rodar
poderia mover-me
sem precisar me segurar

ah, esse tempo que passa
e tudo consome e acumula
minha cabeça confusa volta
e cá estou a tentar levar

...

another night crying alone in the dark
another day lived behind lies
another time planning the disapearance

Me and my insecurities

Few days go by that I don't think badly about myself. I have this constant need of attention from some few people to remind me that I am worth it. All comes down to it. I cry for no good reason. It is not that I am not important, but there is always someone else more important. I am just the substitute, the spare tire to use when the other one is broken. Homeless dog syndrome. I start feeling left out whenever something happen that I don't get to know upfront. In my head I hear that I was never worth a dime and I see no reason to keep going. I get the seed and make it grow until it overtakes my head. When someone shows any interest in me, I ask myself how, why. How can anyone like this piece of shit they see in front of them? Asking the question just keep everyone away, but the neurosis of knowing the answer as well. I try to rationalise and tell myself it is nothing, but all I come up is the question of how I survived so far...

young passion

air of mystery
you came in
with those mysterious eyes
and a beautiful smile

I thought I had to behave
it would never be
you, so young
and I, ... so myself

suddenly, ours eyes cross
from across the floor
you were all cool
I was insecure

you come to talk
I invite you to dance
between jokes and songs
a fire started burning

no, I am not allowed...
our lips get together
I go home alone
with a magical feeling

sometime later
I say hello
and you tell me to see the moon
oh, what a moon!

inbetween music
we reveal ourselves a bit
let the spark not die
curiosity that never ends

we'll meet again
to discuss cinema
the flame will get bigger
and I will make you mine

to be available

I am always available and that's a problem. I am always trying to find a way to meet my friends, never miss an opportunity. It's not the same on the other side. Sometimes I feel like I am left out of many things they know I would like to participate. Sometimes they just forget to include me. And I am there trying to invite everyone I know that would like the next adventure. I think more about the others than myself. When I will learn to take care of myself a bit more? It is good to think about others, but I should put myself more importance. I have to become busy with myself.

unexpected intimacy

you just happened to me

I was not expecting

a flush of feelings

a need to hear you talk

to touch you

I was never scared by the intimacy

like so many times before

but you fade away

you started closing yourself

like I normally do

and just disappeared

I miss our connection

the lack of fear

the intimacy we had

I miss the way you made jokes

your sweet smile

and how you looked like a teddy bear

We were so short

but I still miss you...

I am not romantic, but I love passion

I hate dates! I hate the formality that all goes. I am not romantic and it is not with a person I am just starting to know something about that I want to be romantic. The intimacy scares the hell out of me and I don't know how to act. I am never sure if I really want something to happen because my fear and disgust for the whole situation blocks my view to what I am actually feeling for the other person. It is so much easier to just go make out with someone on a bar and end up on their bed than to go on a date. What to talk about? Do we really need to go through all the questions about the other persons tastes? Is it that necessary? Why not enter into an interesting discussion why one thinks the blue of the sky is bluer than the blue of the sea? Discussions can tell much more about the other person than yes or no questions. People get passionate in discussions, they want to tell their opinions. However, how to get there in the whole embarrassment of a first date? Or even a second date? How to pass from uncomfortable to an open discussion?
Ah, I hate dates! I wish I never had to go through one again. Hopefully I will find my way to meet people in other situations and not have to come to this again.