The night that made all better

All I need is music and intensity. Nick Cave’s concert was an exorcism of all my broken parts. I left the concert renewed. When singing without voice ‘the weeping song’, he nods at my expressions. We have an emotional moment when at the chorus, he holds my hand strongly, like telling me it will all be ok. In the encore, he invites people to come to stage. I run crazily, I need to get closer to god. There, I can see how he owes the stage even greater than I thought. From up there, I see I am not the only one being exorcised today, but thousands in the crowd. The intensity of his words and the way he sings is enough to touch even the coldest of hearts. ‘Wake up’, he tells with his screams and intense eye contact to the front row. We are here to feel, to connect tonight. We are all one joining a new religion. Nick Cave is the god.

Another story that never was

You came
Made a big impact
Sounded perfect
Too perfect
I should have guessed
You left the silence
Until I bailed out
Then you were brave to say at least goodbye
It will sure leave a mark
While you think I am crazy
I still think you are a good guy
At least I got my creativity back
That's has long been gone
Since this hole I am climbing up
I guess I can already see the blue sky
Even with this story
Even with the cut you left me
I almost full again
Being glue back on
To be full for myself
No one else
No dating till the process is done
I am my own self
No perfection exist

On being to intense

I am too intense

I say what I think

I want people to tell me the truth

I hate being lied to

I am not afraid anymore

To express myself

The artist in me has awoken

And it roars

It says go on

Be fearless

Time doesn't wait

Run, jump, fly

Even if you fall

It's always worth saying the truth

My truth

Adios dreamland

And so everything came still
The silence echoed around
No news, no reasons, no explanation
The magic vanished in the air
All left was my turbulent head
Making theories of the why
My anxiety blames me
‘We are all mad here’
Say the Mad Hatter
So I write
My smile slowly faded by the thought of you
And that magical night
It’s all over
Say the sound of the crickets
The anguish of what went wrong is left
I trust too fast
I am fire, an explosion
Moving at sound speed
Leaving all behind
So long!
The dream was nice
But it is time to take care of my crazy mind
All the best


—-----------------------------

I wrote many versions of how to tell you what I feel with this whole silent story. I thought you would appreciate better the poetry style, so here you go. 

Adios, take care!

The selfish beast

some old writings I found

...

you are the worst kind of asshole
the one that is so nice
that it is hard to see the manipulation behind
but don't worry, we are all assholes
in one way or another
we are selfish beast
trying to get advantages at all costs
as long as it fulfills our desires
even if you say we were friends
and you thought I would never want something
you always left me as a plan B
to try again in the future
when you would not have something else

The unknown

I can't go again in this unknown
My head spins with questions
What did I do wrong?
Not even sure it is my fault
Or anyone's fault
It might be that I fantasised too much
As always
Passionate living a good moment
And making it turn stronger and stronger
Helping to have a bigger crash

I am falling again
When will the crash come?
Will my pills protect me this time?

The silence

If there is one thing I learned in my last depression crisis is to let people know how you feel for the way they interact with you. I might sound crazy writing all this words. ‘We are all mad in here’ would say the Mad hatter. I just don’t really give a fuck. People so many times could not read me even when I thought I was being my most true self, so explicitly writing my feelings might give less space for misunderstandings.

I must say when I met you, you looked very shy and I couldn’t stop noticing you had some green stuff on your teeth. However, you seemed like a nice guy and would be one of my top options for a flatmate. After I saw your email to Tom, I thought maybe you could be cool to hang out with. I didn’t know much about you, but you certainly had interesting tastes and a cool style. Your msgs were always very formal. Maybe because my first msg was formal or you are like this. Anyway, I didn’t expect much, but you always knew how to answer right and in a very cute way. I thought to myself ‘why not?’ even if I knew I should be careful with these situations since last time it broke me badly (not easy to be manipulated by someone when you have a time bomb called depression inside of you). We were going to a party, but unfortunately that didn’t work out so I invited you for the cinema. You sounded like the perfect person to go see the sequel of a classic film and be able to discuss about it afterwards. Then you know the story, we went for dinner. I wasn’t sure if I should expect it to be a date or not, but it felt like a date all the time. I was nervous, I hate first dates, but you were so charming that I didn’t feel the time pass. At the end of the night I was hoping for a good night kiss, but good a nice hug instead. The next day, I couldn’t stop smiling thinking about the night before. We had such a good connection, so rare for me. Yeah, I went down that road again and let myself easily fall in love. It was just that it felt so natural, so different than what I was used to. I waited a bit to write you because I just didn’t know what to write. And you know the rest.

Now we are falling apart, the magic of that day is slowly vanishing and my anxiety is taking control. Before it is all gone and I disappear from your sight, I thought you should know how I felt. The only way I know how to spread empathy, is to tell people with all my raw feelings what is inside my head (without the madness of the overthinking and anxiety). And I made myself a goal in life, every time I was in a really bad depression crisis, to spread empathy around people. So here you have all my raw feelings. Do whatever you want with them! Show to your friends, laugh, whatever... They are yours.

Regards,
The crazy 30 year old lady that still hasn’t discover about life

Explosion

I am an explosion
Moving as fast as possible
Trying to catch what I can on the way

...

I'm miserable
but who cares?
life goes on for everybody
and time stops for me.

Stockholm Syndrom

And here I am feeling in my skin the Stockholm Syndrom
Missing the person that manipulated me so badly
Kept me there as a plan B
Lying about everything
Wanting your attention
Knowing I shouldn't have contact with you anymore
That you actually do not care
Or ever cared
Could that be really true?
How can I be so naive not to have seen it?
To believed you
Me, the idiot
Attached to strings
Manipulated by the other players
Left in pieces

...

back to reality
back imagining the plane exploding
a car crashing into me
the manipulation I suffered
the tears coming down

how to deal with a break up of something that never was

how to deal with a break up
when you were never even together
how to wallow
when you don't feel like eating
how to go on with your life
when you cannot move
how to see the blue sky
if there is a black cloud above
I always end up in this kind of break up
of something that never was
something that was just trying to be
and got tired
tired of trying
and people move on
so fast
I am fell behind
trying to catch the train
stuck in the hole
climbing out
sliping in

questioning the crisis

the madness left me for a while
it is time to make the changes
getting away from what causes pain
leaving only the necessary for survival
for a while I will be numb
just going, feeling nothing
the quiet after the storm
I cannot change houses
I lost my Wednesday jazz
my park friends
friends
again I come to this question
what are friends?
if there is no trust
there is no friendship
so why keep going?
some attitudes now
just make my point clear
I was just the intermediate
the mean to get to the source
"thanks for everything!"
thanks for everything my ass
like I did that for you
like you ever trusted me to say anything
like I am a good damn saint
No, I am not
I am a horrible person
and I don't want you to be happy
while I suffer
I just thought in my rational mind
that that was the right choice
I guess it wasn't
I guess I don't know what I want
what I need
my irrational self
my madness
the other side of me
the psychopath
the one wishing everyone to suffer
so I am not the only one
when rational tells the truth
I am actually a good person
whatever that means
but I cannot let myself take so much pain for others
they take nothing for me
friends
that is one thing I maybe expect in a friend
to be there even when I don't want them to be
to try to explain me the what/why
even if that might drive me even crazier
friends
I have some there for me
even when I think I am completely alone

War inside

I know it is not a game
even if you think I am playing
I move as I feel right
Not knowing what's that
My moral head is a duality
A rational and a irrational
The first I understand well
And it commands me most of the time
The second, I know nothing
Never understood
It is random
I cannot change it
But it tries to overtake
To make itself heard
That's when the madness show up
The fight between opposing concepts
exploding inside my head
How can I control this?
Is it even controllable?

The irrational talks

My irrational asks my rational
Why did you let this happen?
Why you let go and got through this situation?
My rational answers my irrational
Because it was right
Because I cannot live a lie
Because I don't like anyone suffering
My irrational tells my rational
But you are suffering now
Is that worth your pain?
Is that worth your tears?
My rational replies my irrational
Is it worth others pain
When you are not sure?
You keep telling me you don't know
The irrational tells the rational
Yes, I don't know
You should make our mind
The rational continues
I did and you keep questioning my decision
The irrational says
Because I am not sure
I can only feel the pain
The madness that takes me over
When the rational says
Suck it up
It was our decision to not cause pain
And live with the consequences.

Random thoughts of a fucked up story

We were all assholes here. It still hurst even if I had my share. Just don't come thanking me. I did something not to help anyone, but myself. I never wanted to hurt you. Maybe you did want to hurt me. Maybe it feels good to have me jealous. It shows I actually felt something more. I don't know what is this something more. I tell myself it is only that I will miss the attention. However, I am not sure. Well, I am never sure. I hardly know what I want, but somehow I know what I don't want. So maybe I actually want the ones I am not sure?!? I want everything to be normal, but maybe I over-exaggerated. I was kinda of freaking out. I also just wanted to be done with. Maybe I should have left it to deal in another time. I just wasn't sure how to say no here. Staying home might have been the best or the worse. I want to keep both friends, but will I be strong for that? I really want to keep being your friend. You are an awesome person, I was just not able to love you the way you wanted me too. I never wanted to make you feel bad the way you did the day you decide to end. I am not good in reading people and I always pass the wrong impression of what I am feeling. Funny how I can be having a blast and people still think that I bored or so on. What do I know about feeling? Funny how my therapist always tries to get how I feel out of me and it is clear for her that I just don't know. I don't know what I am suppose to feel. I don't know what convention named this that I am felling. I don't know how I can name something just by using some data, but never the complete set. I don't know what I am feeling right now. I cry a bit, so I am anxious. My heart pumped nervous when I saw you two saying hello today. I told myself I shouldn't feel that way. You saw me as naked as anyone can see me. All my madness was there in front of you. Nevertheless you said you want to be friends. I want to be friends, I need to be friends, but I am not sure anymore if I can deal with this. I hope I can. It's like the pretend land I was living for a while this afternoon went to shit in the evening. No, I don't know what I am saying anymore. I don't make sense. If you ever understand how I feel, please write me. I just don't.

Altruism vs selfishness

The question of being altruist or selfish

What brings the bigger pleasure?

What brings the smallest pain?

Who is more important?

It bothers me

I can't avoid being jealous

My rational part tries to explain to my subconscious

It was how it had to be

No cheating anyone

But yourself

The piece missing

For months I am wondering what makes we love someone in a romantic way? Can you make yourself fall in love with someone? Why spending a really good time with someone is not enough? Why being comfortable with that person is also not enough? Why considering the person good looking, hot, nice, cool is not enough? What is missing? I thought I could trigger myself to fall in love. I thought I did that once in my life, but maybe there the piece I am missing in the whole story was part of it. Do you know what makes you in love?

La desaparicíon

Hola,
Todo bien contigo?
Ayer pasé el día entero pensando si debía escribirte y qué deveria escribir.
Tu desapareciste.
Y, por conseguinte, yo también.
Hice algo malo?
No hice algo qui esperavas?
Te a hecho sufrir?
Yo se qui soy complicada.
Por eso no quería nada en el principio.
Por miedo de causarte dolor.
Tengo mis teorías.
Las mas diversas.
Hace dos días estaba llorando.
Atrapada pensando no que pasaría.
Por qué no me escribiste.
Por qué no me llamaste como havia dicho.
Y como siempre, me culpei.
Y todavía estoy sin saber por qué.

A hot day

I soak my feet in the cold water
it goes around and above them
making some waves
The clouds move fast
I enter a new world
the poetic life of Mogens
while I can still hear the beat
the sun warms my chest
the story, my mind
life goes by around
outside this bubble
where I don't belong

Trapped inside

I will talk in English
Or Portuguese
Because I don't want to lose track of my thoughts
Looking for the right words in Spanish
We met when I was in a bad depression crisis
that lasted for about 4 months
you were the light in this darkness time
and I created this idea of you
not exactly of who you are
but an idea of who I was needing
it had your shape
and some of your qualities
it just didn't work
but the idea is still there
since it was the one good thing
in a period of madness
it doesn't want to leave
it is an obsession
trapped inside my head
hurting me, more than I can see
not letting me move forward
however, as in any obsession
hope is still there
even if my conscious mind know it is all gone
I hope to find you in my way
have the courage to talk to you
you listen and understand
say that it is the same with you
a silly, tacky film plot
that ends in happy end

where do we belong

Do we all belong somewhere?
What does it makes us belong?
Is it enough to be surrounded by nice people?
What makes them nice?
How warm must they be to make you feel included?

I was surrounded by lots of nice people on Saturday
In a party at a club
All were nice
They talked to me
Worried if I needed something to drink
but I still on the outside
knocking on the door
trying to force myself in
...

then you go for dinner with a friend you haven't talked for so long
and even after 3 years with barely exchanging a word
the conversation flows
and it feels just right
to be there
I belong
Why here? Why not there?
Details I still need to figure out

The asshole in me

Maybe I am the asshole in this whole story
I could see it happening
You falling in love with me
And I let yourself do it
Even knowing I could not correspond
Knowing I was hooked to a friend of yours
That you knew nothing about it
I really wanted to like you
You are perfect in so many ways
But, unfortunately, I cannot feel the flame
Out of my control
I thought that with time I could light it up
And then your question came
I had to tell you the truth
Trying not to hurt you
I am still obsessed about your friend
As much as I didn't want to
I hurt you
It got me all apprehensive
To think I could cause you so much pain
I guess I do like you a lot in some way
Or I wouldn't care that much
Or it wouldn't hurt me so much
To think that you were sad

Infinite questions

Lost in the universe
Alone
Like everyone else
Living my point of view
Trying to understand others
My world, my life
Is there a world without me?
If the only thing I see is what I make of it?
What is life and the experiences we have?
Do we really connect to other people?
I keep looking for answers
That never come
But only questions sum up
All the time
How do I know I am alive?
Is alive something of being?
What is being?
"I think, therefore I am!"
Oh, I think constantly
My messy head is full of thoughts interwinding
I want to know more
to get closer
even if I know it is infinite...

Como apagar uma mente obsessiva?

Com medo de perder-te
Perdi-te
Me afoguei nos meus medos
Me perdi em pensamentos
Sobre o que falar
Como fazer para você ficar

Você ficou de algum modo
Minha obsessão
Ali,
Onde minha mente gosta de vagar

Quem é você?
Não sei
Só uma ideia
Uma ideia do que poderia ser
Do que poderia ter sido

Por que tem tua face?
Jamais poderei explicar
Ela aparece em minha cabeça
Como se a conhecesse desde sempre

Como apagar uma mente obsessiva?
É hora de fugir desse mundo imaginário

the idea, it's all about the idea

I fell in love with the idea of you
That was my mistake
Seemed the past taught me nothing
The mystery left me doubts
Enough space to fill in
So easy to create a whole new person

_______________________________

We all like and see the ideas we create in our mind. No one is what we think they are. The world is also just the idea we made of it. It is impossible to know everything and the blank spaces are filled with what we are. Or what we want to be. Ideas are more important. People die everyday and no one care. However, if there is an idea behind, it is a big deal. If you want to be remember, try to get the idea of you to be big.

IDEAS - all the matters!