questioning the crisis

the madness left me for a while
it is time to make the changes
getting away from what causes pain
leaving only the necessary for survival
for a while I will be numb
just going, feeling nothing
the quiet after the storm
I cannot change houses
I lost my Wednesday jazz
my park friends
friends
again I come to this question
what are friends?
if there is no trust
there is no friendship
so why keep going?
some attitudes now
just make my point clear
I was just the intermediate
the mean to get to the source
"thanks for everything!"
thanks for everything my ass
like I did that for you
like you ever trusted me to say anything
like I am a good damn saint
No, I am not
I am a horrible person
and I don't want you to be happy
while I suffer
I just thought in my rational mind
that that was the right choice
I guess it wasn't
I guess I don't know what I want
what I need
my irrational self
my madness
the other side of me
the psychopath
the one wishing everyone to suffer
so I am not the only one
when rational tells the truth
I am actually a good person
whatever that means
but I cannot let myself take so much pain for others
they take nothing for me
friends
that is one thing I maybe expect in a friend
to be there even when I don't want them to be
to try to explain me the what/why
even if that might drive me even crazier
friends
I have some there for me
even when I think I am completely alone