Random thoughts of a fucked up story

We were all assholes here. It still hurst even if I had my share. Just don't come thanking me. I did something not to help anyone, but myself. I never wanted to hurt you. Maybe you did want to hurt me. Maybe it feels good to have me jealous. It shows I actually felt something more. I don't know what is this something more. I tell myself it is only that I will miss the attention. However, I am not sure. Well, I am never sure. I hardly know what I want, but somehow I know what I don't want. So maybe I actually want the ones I am not sure?!? I want everything to be normal, but maybe I over-exaggerated. I was kinda of freaking out. I also just wanted to be done with. Maybe I should have left it to deal in another time. I just wasn't sure how to say no here. Staying home might have been the best or the worse. I want to keep both friends, but will I be strong for that? I really want to keep being your friend. You are an awesome person, I was just not able to love you the way you wanted me too. I never wanted to make you feel bad the way you did the day you decide to end. I am not good in reading people and I always pass the wrong impression of what I am feeling. Funny how I can be having a blast and people still think that I bored or so on. What do I know about feeling? Funny how my therapist always tries to get how I feel out of me and it is clear for her that I just don't know. I don't know what I am suppose to feel. I don't know what convention named this that I am felling. I don't know how I can name something just by using some data, but never the complete set. I don't know what I am feeling right now. I cry a bit, so I am anxious. My heart pumped nervous when I saw you two saying hello today. I told myself I shouldn't feel that way. You saw me as naked as anyone can see me. All my madness was there in front of you. Nevertheless you said you want to be friends. I want to be friends, I need to be friends, but I am not sure anymore if I can deal with this. I hope I can. It's like the pretend land I was living for a while this afternoon went to shit in the evening. No, I don't know what I am saying anymore. I don't make sense. If you ever understand how I feel, please write me. I just don't.