The night that made all better

All I need is music and intensity. Nick Cave’s concert was an exorcism of all my broken parts. I left the concert renewed. When singing without voice ‘the weeping song’, he nods at my expressions. We have an emotional moment when at the chorus, he holds my hand strongly, like telling me it will all be ok. In the encore, he invites people to come to stage. I run crazily, I need to get closer to god. There, I can see how he owes the stage even greater than I thought. From up there, I see I am not the only one being exorcised today, but thousands in the crowd. The intensity of his words and the way he sings is enough to touch even the coldest of hearts. ‘Wake up’, he tells with his screams and intense eye contact to the front row. We are here to feel, to connect tonight. We are all one joining a new religion. Nick Cave is the god.

Another story that never was

You came
Made a big impact
Sounded perfect
Too perfect
I should have guessed
You left the silence
Until I bailed out
Then you were brave to say at least goodbye
It will sure leave a mark
While you think I am crazy
I still think you are a good guy
At least I got my creativity back
That's has long been gone
Since this hole I am climbing up
I guess I can already see the blue sky
Even with this story
Even with the cut you left me
I almost full again
Being glue back on
To be full for myself
No one else
No dating till the process is done
I am my own self
No perfection exist

On being to intense

I am too intense

I say what I think

I want people to tell me the truth

I hate being lied to

I am not afraid anymore

To express myself

The artist in me has awoken

And it roars

It says go on

Be fearless

Time doesn't wait

Run, jump, fly

Even if you fall

It's always worth saying the truth

My truth

Adios dreamland

And so everything came still
The silence echoed around
No news, no reasons, no explanation
The magic vanished in the air
All left was my turbulent head
Making theories of the why
My anxiety blames me
‘We are all mad here’
Say the Mad Hatter
So I write
My smile slowly faded by the thought of you
And that magical night
It’s all over
Say the sound of the crickets
The anguish of what went wrong is left
I trust too fast
I am fire, an explosion
Moving at sound speed
Leaving all behind
So long!
The dream was nice
But it is time to take care of my crazy mind
All the best


—-----------------------------

I wrote many versions of how to tell you what I feel with this whole silent story. I thought you would appreciate better the poetry style, so here you go. 

Adios, take care!

The selfish beast

some old writings I found

...

you are the worst kind of asshole
the one that is so nice
that it is hard to see the manipulation behind
but don't worry, we are all assholes
in one way or another
we are selfish beast
trying to get advantages at all costs
as long as it fulfills our desires
even if you say we were friends
and you thought I would never want something
you always left me as a plan B
to try again in the future
when you would not have something else

The unknown

I can't go again in this unknown
My head spins with questions
What did I do wrong?
Not even sure it is my fault
Or anyone's fault
It might be that I fantasised too much
As always
Passionate living a good moment
And making it turn stronger and stronger
Helping to have a bigger crash

I am falling again
When will the crash come?
Will my pills protect me this time?

The silence

If there is one thing I learned in my last depression crisis is to let people know how you feel for the way they interact with you. I might sound crazy writing all this words. ‘We are all mad in here’ would say the Mad hatter. I just don’t really give a fuck. People so many times could not read me even when I thought I was being my most true self, so explicitly writing my feelings might give less space for misunderstandings.

I must say when I met you, you looked very shy and I couldn’t stop noticing you had some green stuff on your teeth. However, you seemed like a nice guy and would be one of my top options for a flatmate. After I saw your email to Tom, I thought maybe you could be cool to hang out with. I didn’t know much about you, but you certainly had interesting tastes and a cool style. Your msgs were always very formal. Maybe because my first msg was formal or you are like this. Anyway, I didn’t expect much, but you always knew how to answer right and in a very cute way. I thought to myself ‘why not?’ even if I knew I should be careful with these situations since last time it broke me badly (not easy to be manipulated by someone when you have a time bomb called depression inside of you). We were going to a party, but unfortunately that didn’t work out so I invited you for the cinema. You sounded like the perfect person to go see the sequel of a classic film and be able to discuss about it afterwards. Then you know the story, we went for dinner. I wasn’t sure if I should expect it to be a date or not, but it felt like a date all the time. I was nervous, I hate first dates, but you were so charming that I didn’t feel the time pass. At the end of the night I was hoping for a good night kiss, but good a nice hug instead. The next day, I couldn’t stop smiling thinking about the night before. We had such a good connection, so rare for me. Yeah, I went down that road again and let myself easily fall in love. It was just that it felt so natural, so different than what I was used to. I waited a bit to write you because I just didn’t know what to write. And you know the rest.

Now we are falling apart, the magic of that day is slowly vanishing and my anxiety is taking control. Before it is all gone and I disappear from your sight, I thought you should know how I felt. The only way I know how to spread empathy, is to tell people with all my raw feelings what is inside my head (without the madness of the overthinking and anxiety). And I made myself a goal in life, every time I was in a really bad depression crisis, to spread empathy around people. So here you have all my raw feelings. Do whatever you want with them! Show to your friends, laugh, whatever... They are yours.

Regards,
The crazy 30 year old lady that still hasn’t discover about life