Stockholm Syndrom

And here I am feeling in my skin the Stockholm Syndrom
Missing the person that manipulated me so badly
Kept me there as a plan B
Lying about everything
Wanting your attention
Knowing I shouldn't have contact with you anymore
That you actually do not care
Or ever cared
Could that be really true?
How can I be so naive not to have seen it?
To believed you
Me, the idiot
Attached to strings
Manipulated by the other players
Left in pieces

...

back to reality
back imagining the plane exploding
a car crashing into me
the manipulation I suffered
the tears coming down

how to deal with a break up of something that never was

how to deal with a break up
when you were never even together
how to wallow
when you don't feel like eating
how to go on with your life
when you cannot move
how to see the blue sky
if there is a black cloud above
I always end up in this kind of break up
of something that never was
something that was just trying to be
and got tired
tired of trying
and people move on
so fast
I am fell behind
trying to catch the train
stuck in the hole
climbing out
sliping in

questioning the crisis

the madness left me for a while
it is time to make the changes
getting away from what causes pain
leaving only the necessary for survival
for a while I will be numb
just going, feeling nothing
the quiet after the storm
I cannot change houses
I lost my Wednesday jazz
my park friends
friends
again I come to this question
what are friends?
if there is no trust
there is no friendship
so why keep going?
some attitudes now
just make my point clear
I was just the intermediate
the mean to get to the source
"thanks for everything!"
thanks for everything my ass
like I did that for you
like you ever trusted me to say anything
like I am a good damn saint
No, I am not
I am a horrible person
and I don't want you to be happy
while I suffer
I just thought in my rational mind
that that was the right choice
I guess it wasn't
I guess I don't know what I want
what I need
my irrational self
my madness
the other side of me
the psychopath
the one wishing everyone to suffer
so I am not the only one
when rational tells the truth
I am actually a good person
whatever that means
but I cannot let myself take so much pain for others
they take nothing for me
friends
that is one thing I maybe expect in a friend
to be there even when I don't want them to be
to try to explain me the what/why
even if that might drive me even crazier
friends
I have some there for me
even when I think I am completely alone

War inside

I know it is not a game
even if you think I am playing
I move as I feel right
Not knowing what's that
My moral head is a duality
A rational and a irrational
The first I understand well
And it commands me most of the time
The second, I know nothing
Never understood
It is random
I cannot change it
But it tries to overtake
To make itself heard
That's when the madness show up
The fight between opposing concepts
exploding inside my head
How can I control this?
Is it even controllable?

The irrational talks

My irrational asks my rational
Why did you let this happen?
Why you let go and got through this situation?
My rational answers my irrational
Because it was right
Because I cannot live a lie
Because I don't like anyone suffering
My irrational tells my rational
But you are suffering now
Is that worth your pain?
Is that worth your tears?
My rational replies my irrational
Is it worth others pain
When you are not sure?
You keep telling me you don't know
The irrational tells the rational
Yes, I don't know
You should make our mind
The rational continues
I did and you keep questioning my decision
The irrational says
Because I am not sure
I can only feel the pain
The madness that takes me over
When the rational says
Suck it up
It was our decision to not cause pain
And live with the consequences.

Random thoughts of a fucked up story

We were all assholes here. It still hurst even if I had my share. Just don't come thanking me. I did something not to help anyone, but myself. I never wanted to hurt you. Maybe you did want to hurt me. Maybe it feels good to have me jealous. It shows I actually felt something more. I don't know what is this something more. I tell myself it is only that I will miss the attention. However, I am not sure. Well, I am never sure. I hardly know what I want, but somehow I know what I don't want. So maybe I actually want the ones I am not sure?!? I want everything to be normal, but maybe I over-exaggerated. I was kinda of freaking out. I also just wanted to be done with. Maybe I should have left it to deal in another time. I just wasn't sure how to say no here. Staying home might have been the best or the worse. I want to keep both friends, but will I be strong for that? I really want to keep being your friend. You are an awesome person, I was just not able to love you the way you wanted me too. I never wanted to make you feel bad the way you did the day you decide to end. I am not good in reading people and I always pass the wrong impression of what I am feeling. Funny how I can be having a blast and people still think that I bored or so on. What do I know about feeling? Funny how my therapist always tries to get how I feel out of me and it is clear for her that I just don't know. I don't know what I am suppose to feel. I don't know what convention named this that I am felling. I don't know how I can name something just by using some data, but never the complete set. I don't know what I am feeling right now. I cry a bit, so I am anxious. My heart pumped nervous when I saw you two saying hello today. I told myself I shouldn't feel that way. You saw me as naked as anyone can see me. All my madness was there in front of you. Nevertheless you said you want to be friends. I want to be friends, I need to be friends, but I am not sure anymore if I can deal with this. I hope I can. It's like the pretend land I was living for a while this afternoon went to shit in the evening. No, I don't know what I am saying anymore. I don't make sense. If you ever understand how I feel, please write me. I just don't.

Altruism vs selfishness

The question of being altruist or selfish

What brings the bigger pleasure?

What brings the smallest pain?

Who is more important?

It bothers me

I can't avoid being jealous

My rational part tries to explain to my subconscious

It was how it had to be

No cheating anyone

But yourself

The piece missing

For months I am wondering what makes we love someone in a romantic way? Can you make yourself fall in love with someone? Why spending a really good time with someone is not enough? Why being comfortable with that person is also not enough? Why considering the person good looking, hot, nice, cool is not enough? What is missing? I thought I could trigger myself to fall in love. I thought I did that once in my life, but maybe there the piece I am missing in the whole story was part of it. Do you know what makes you in love?

La desaparicíon

Hola,
Todo bien contigo?
Ayer pasé el día entero pensando si debía escribirte y qué deveria escribir.
Tu desapareciste.
Y, por conseguinte, yo también.
Hice algo malo?
No hice algo qui esperavas?
Te a hecho sufrir?
Yo se qui soy complicada.
Por eso no quería nada en el principio.
Por miedo de causarte dolor.
Tengo mis teorías.
Las mas diversas.
Hace dos días estaba llorando.
Atrapada pensando no que pasaría.
Por qué no me escribiste.
Por qué no me llamaste como havia dicho.
Y como siempre, me culpei.
Y todavía estoy sin saber por qué.