Like pulses

Lately my mood varies like pulses. Pulses of melancholy takes over me and makes me feel like crying. This pulses are almost unbearable. Yesterday I had to come home earlier and hold tight not to start crying on the way. I don't want to call attention. I just want to keep myself alone in this sea of sadness. It is like I am afraid of being contagious. Or I just don't want anyone to see me crying, my weak side. When one grow up without real friends, one tough it up and hides inside a thick shell to make it harder for others to cause pain. However this thick shell also makes it harder to feel anything, even a sweet touch. And I am getting closer and closer to someone I just cannot get that close, but he is the one that seems to get me. No, I have to thicken my shell and hide inside. I know how my end will be, just don't when it will happen. I know I have at least up to April or even end of June. Last see if I manage to recover my happy self before I make something stupid.