To get inspired by others

Role models, idols, I have many because none is perfect since no human being can achieve perfection. So I get inspired by the perfection that each can bring me. I can only aspire to be, to have all this perfection and I keep trying. I find new role models everyday and everyday I get closer to be all I want to be.

all I want is kindness around

Kindness, where it went? Where can we find some? It feels like people are lacking it more and more. I feel everytime I am kind to someone how much they thank me. As if I was doing so much and yet was something so little. What surprises me the most is the amazed face I get in return. As if I did something so unbelievably nice that I should deserve the highest gratitude when I just let someone that needed more have a seat. How can I spread this so more people will do the same? Then no one else will look at me that amazed anymore. "You can say I am a dreamer", I guess I am. I just trying to make the word around me the way I want it to be. I can't even say I am trying hard, I am just doing it and hoping the others will get inspired and do the same.

Maker in the making

If only I could be an artist. If only I could inspire someone with my art work. If only I could let all my feelings out in a way to be worth to inspire someone. I love art so much, but I can only interact with it, connect to it as an outsider. Can I find something that would make me connect to art as the maker of art? What could I try? I dance, but I just repeating movements. I sing, but only repeating words. I used to draw, but only copying some other illustration. Is it lack of creativity? Is it fear of exposing myself that holds me back? Oh the questions that fill my mind. "... try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue", like Rilke said. I am living the questions and little by little getting close to live the answers when I am ready for them.

It will always hurt

It still hurts to not have you, but I am glad we talked. We shared our stories and managed to understand a bit better one another. Both our stories are sad, that's just life. I don't think I know anyone that haven't suffer in a way or another. So, don't pity me. I didn't tell you my story to make you feel sorry for me. I told you so you could understand a bit better why I am the way I am. My story is what made me. I am my story, my memories. Friends to pity themselves, they are just there to support when needed. And sometimes also when not needed. Friends are just there. I hope we can be friends even if it will always hurt...

All about letting yourself go...

Last week I decided to jump the cliff. The fall scared the hell of me, but the adrenaline of the try embraced my body completely and I just let it go. I grew more with this experience than I did before in years of hiding myself in my shell. Today I feel like i can take the world. It is there waiting for me to take it. I told my story and I managed not to cry. Well, to hide the cry at least. How can I learn to feel if I never let myself feel anything? Also, I learned deeply about someone else. I heard his story. This helps to see the world in a completely different light. All of us go through some suffering in our lives. There is no way to measure it. All of us take it differently. I let it make me a nice person. I decided I don't like hurting other people, so I take the blame. I know how to del with it now. And I can be happy with that.

All I can say is jump the cliff. Maybe you will fly.