An introvert pretending to be an extrovert

What is it like to be pretending to be someone else? How easy it is? Can this actually change who you are? Can you start being part of the pretending world and lose yourself in the way? I think not. I am an introvert. My whole life story told me this. However, somehow, I tried to be different. I tried to be part of a large group. To get to know more and more people. To talk to everyone. For a while, it seemed like the pretend world would swallow me and that would turn truth. Two long has passed and I am falling behind. My real self keeps fighting back. And I like it more and more because of this. It is sickening the fact that I let myself pretend to be something else. I am me! And that's my best quality. No one else is like that. I have my own thoughts, my own struggles, my own battles won. I just need to learn to always embrace this and not let anyone or anything take that away from me. I am an introvert, so if you want to talk to me, be prepared to talked more than shallow thoughts. Be prepared to become a close friend. I don't need anyone else to just say shit around me.
Embrace yourself, that's my only advice!

Erasing time

I was miserable
Crying with no stop
But then I went to sleep
And the day of yesterday was erased
I didn't know when it was
What had happened
It was as if I had jumped a day
But then I forced it
And it all came back
The waterfall of tears
And the agony
The fear of what had happened the day before
My sanctuary was lost
It became the place I had the last breakdown
It's time to move on

Back to the Pretend Land

Suck up your tears
Put a smile on your face
Nod when asked your opinion
Don't think, just move along
It is time to go back to Pretend Land

The end of a sacred place

2 and a half years have passed
And now is time to let go
What once was my sanctuary
Doesn't do it for me anymore
All the pretending
All the happiness I am not part off
Drags me deeper into the hole
It is time to change
New challenges await me
And maybe then I can relax again
Forget all my troubles like before
Climb the reef a bit higher
I know I will never get to the top
But I will try to keep going up

About France and the many innocent lives taken everyday

Last Friday, some innocent people were killed brutally by extremists in Paris. This happens almost every Friday in many places in the world. So why it hurts so much more now? I was almost crying reading the news. However, was this because of the people dead? This empathy, why for them only and not others? It is probably because I somehow feel connected to their style of life. They are similar to me (if that's possible). It also happened in a city I spent so many magical moments... I still don't stop blaming me for caring for them more than the other innocent lives taken every single day. Maybe my empathy is more of a selfishness wanting my freedom of thought, the ideals, the love in the air of the city of lights still intact. Maybe I have more compassion for the city and what it represents than the actual lives. Does this make me a horrible person? How can I love ideas and be so far away of loving people? I don't want war. It will only give the IS what they want and that is how France is reacting, unfortunately. I wished things could be simpler. People could just sit down, talk about their believes and calmly discuss them through a few cups of coffee.

If...I

If only once
I could keep my my head straight
And walk away with nothing to lose

If only once
I could see the magic in the world
Without rationalizing anything

If only I could see the beauty
And forget about the sadness

If only
I could stop obsessing about the emptiness
And started living

If only I
If...
I...