The silence

If there is one thing I learned in my last depression crisis is to let people know how you feel for the way they interact with you. I might sound crazy writing all this words. ‘We are all mad in here’ would say the Mad hatter. I just don’t really give a fuck. People so many times could not read me even when I thought I was being my most true self, so explicitly writing my feelings might give less space for misunderstandings.

I must say when I met you, you looked very shy and I couldn’t stop noticing you had some green stuff on your teeth. However, you seemed like a nice guy and would be one of my top options for a flatmate. After I saw your email to Tom, I thought maybe you could be cool to hang out with. I didn’t know much about you, but you certainly had interesting tastes and a cool style. Your msgs were always very formal. Maybe because my first msg was formal or you are like this. Anyway, I didn’t expect much, but you always knew how to answer right and in a very cute way. I thought to myself ‘why not?’ even if I knew I should be careful with these situations since last time it broke me badly (not easy to be manipulated by someone when you have a time bomb called depression inside of you). We were going to a party, but unfortunately that didn’t work out so I invited you for the cinema. You sounded like the perfect person to go see the sequel of a classic film and be able to discuss about it afterwards. Then you know the story, we went for dinner. I wasn’t sure if I should expect it to be a date or not, but it felt like a date all the time. I was nervous, I hate first dates, but you were so charming that I didn’t feel the time pass. At the end of the night I was hoping for a good night kiss, but good a nice hug instead. The next day, I couldn’t stop smiling thinking about the night before. We had such a good connection, so rare for me. Yeah, I went down that road again and let myself easily fall in love. It was just that it felt so natural, so different than what I was used to. I waited a bit to write you because I just didn’t know what to write. And you know the rest.

Now we are falling apart, the magic of that day is slowly vanishing and my anxiety is taking control. Before it is all gone and I disappear from your sight, I thought you should know how I felt. The only way I know how to spread empathy, is to tell people with all my raw feelings what is inside my head (without the madness of the overthinking and anxiety). And I made myself a goal in life, every time I was in a really bad depression crisis, to spread empathy around people. So here you have all my raw feelings. Do whatever you want with them! Show to your friends, laugh, whatever... They are yours.

Regards,
The crazy 30 year old lady that still hasn’t discover about life