And the night

And the night is here and I am still awake. It doesn't matter that the day was long, it seems I still cannot rest. My mind goes like crazy telling me all these things and elaborating a plan now to take control of my life. What can I do? What can I say? I wished I could just know how to talk to people, one specially. Why do I still get awkward around people? Why do I still end up alone in the corner? Nothing I do seems to work out. I need to take control. Make things go my way. How can I change? Am I able to change? DO I really want to change? Change scares me. I feel that if I change too much, I will stop being myself and I worked hard to be who I am. Not that I actually know who I am. I am me. I tend to be very sincere to the people I feel comfortable with and not to lie unless is vital to keep my appearance. Why do I care so much? My motto is 'I don't give a fuck!', but apparently, I actually do. I just don't want to look that pathetic. I hate pity and I don't want people to feel pity on me. I would always think that they talk to me, are my friends, whatever just because they are nice people and cannot help caring about someone that pathetic. I try so hard to be cool, to be me as much as I can, I would be devastated if I knew people like me just out of pity. Yeah, I am 26 years old and still haven't found myself. I guess I will spend my whole life trying to find me. I guess everybody do. Anyway, it is hard and sometimes I cannot take it. I need support, more than the one I have. I need someone more reliable, that have no one else that they care more. I want to feel unique. I try to be strong and say I don't need anyone, I can take care of myself, but it is not true. I am just struggling inside. I want to tell my story, but I seem not to trust anyone to hear the naked truth about me. There are so many people around and I still feel lonely. I as popular as I never was. I have a lot of people that care about me and that I care about. And I still feel like I need more, so much more. Let's try something different...